(The guy I like has expressed interest in meeting my family. I’m talking it over with my parents.)

Me: “Dad, you need to be nice to him.”

Dad: “I’m always nice!”

Me: “Uh-huh. What about that time when [ex] came to pick me up for a date, and you had Fox News on at full volume in the background?”

(The ex in question was very liberal.)

Dad: “That’s different. That was funny!”

(My boyfriend and I are looking for a drill. I’ve pre-shopped online and know that the exact model I want is in stock at this location. As we’re looking for the drill, an employee approaches us.)

Employee: *to my boyfriend* “Hi, are you looking for anything in particular today?”

Me: “Were looking for a drill I found online. It’s—”

Employee: *to my boyfriend* “Alright, if you come this way with me, we have some very nice [brand] drills that are new.”

Me: “Actually I found [another brand] that I like, and it’s on sale for—”

Employee: *to my boyfriend* “Oh, okay, [another brand] are over here…”

(The employee proceeds to show my boyfriend a VERY fancy and expensive drill.)

Me: “That’s a really nice drill, but we don’t need something like that. We just need a small one for around our house. I found the one I want online; it’s on sale for $29 right now. It has a Lithium battery and—”

Employee: *to my boyfriend* “Oh, we don’t have any Lithium drills that come that cheap.” *to me* “Sweetie, are you sure you didn’t find a electric screw driver when you were on our web—”

Me: “I found it! It’s that one.” *points to the drill*

Employee: “Oh, yeah… that one.”

Me:  “It comes with a bit, right?”

Employee: “Uh…”

Me: “Oh, never mind, it’s on the box. This is the one I want. Thanks for your help.”

Employee:  “Okay. Now, don’t forget to get an extra battery and the charger station for—”

Me: “Actually, on this one the battery is built in, and it charges on a cable. Thanks for your help.”

Employee: *walks off*

(I have recently turned 21. Apparently this liquor store requires customers who have just turned 21 to sign a waiver and it needs to be approved by a supervisor.)

Cashier: “Alright, your total comes to $23.93. May I see your ID?”

Me: “Sure thing.” *hands over ID*

Cashier: “Oh, you just turned 21; happy birthday! Since you just turned 21, I need you to sign this sheet and I’ll have a supervisor come approve it.”

Me: “Thanks.”

(The supervisor comes by. I hand her my license, and she looks at it for a few moments before speaking to me.)

Supervisor: “I’m sorry, but your driver’s license does not have a hologram and I’m not familiar with DC licenses. I can’t approve this.”

Me: “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Supervisor: “If you want, you can come back tomorrow and bring this up with the head supervisor.”

Me: “This is ridiculous. I’m not doing that. What if I show you my expired learner’s permit?”

(I hand her my old learner’s permit, which looks exactly the same as the driver’s license except it had a different background color. After another couple minutes, the supervisor reluctantly signs the paper to approve the waiver.)

Cashier: “Sorry about that… uh-oh.”

Me: “What?”

Cashier: “She forgot to approve it on the register.”

(It takes another ten minutes for the cashier to get her supervisor back to the register to approve. The supervisor never acknowledges her mistake or apologizes for the 20 minutes this has delayed me.)

Cashier: “Sorry about that. If it makes you feel better, I believed you from the beginning.”

(At that point, another cashier at the next register who has overheard the whole transaction decides to lighten the mood.)

Another Cashier: “That means nothing. She still thinks Santa Claus exists.”

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Hey, can I get a six inch tuna on wheat?”

Me: “Alright!”

(I proceed to scoop the tuna directly onto the table. The manager, who is standing next to me, points out my silly mistake.)

Manager: “Uh… [name]… you need bread first.”

Me: “…It’s gonna be one of those days, isn’t it?”

(I am going to Tanzania to do charity work, and am at a local clinic to see the nurse about vaccinations.)

Nurse: “Okay, so we’ve scheduled in appointments for you to have the Hep A and Typhoid vaccines. We’d really highly recommend several of these other vaccines though.”

Me: “Well, since I was highly allergic to the last vaccines I was given, I’m not keen on taking many more. So, I’d rather have these as a preliminary to see how things go.”

Nurse: “We really do recommend you have the Hep B vaccine.”

Me: “Well, I would, but I’d rather test how these others go first, since they’re the first I’ve had since my reaction.”

Nurse: “I think it’s still wise that you get the Hep B vaccination.”

Me: “I may be interested in the future, but not just yet. Besides, it’s three injections rather than the one, and it’s not free like the others.”

Nurse: “I can assure you the £180 is well worth the investment.”

Me: “Yes, but I don’t want to schedule myself in for three appointments for those when I don’t know how I’m going to react to the first two.”

Nurse: “I think you’ll change your mind. You really should have Hep B.”

Me: “How do you even get Hepatitis B anyway?”

Nurse: “Well, there are two methods of transmission. We recommend you get it if you’re going to be having sex because it’s mostly sexually transmitted.”

Me: “That won’t be a problem. I won’t be having sex while I’m in Tanzania.”

Nurse: “But you’re going for a couple of months. You’re young; you won’t be able to resist.”

Me: “I can assure you I don’t need the vaccine.”

Nurse: “But what if you meet someone? There’s lots of attractive women over there, and one thing will lead to another.”

Me: “That won’t be an issue.”

Nurse: “Why not?”

Me: “Because I’m gay, and homosexual acts carry a jail sentence. I think I’ll manage to refrain for two months.”

Nurse: “Oh… yeah, you probably don’t need the vaccine then…”