(I’m working on a very frustrating art project. My boyfriend and I have recently had a conversation about Praying Mantis mating behavior.)

Me: “Ugh! Can I chop off your head?”

(My boyfriend replies off-hand, and without hesitation.)

Boyfriend: “Only if you mate with me first…”

(He pauses.)

Boyfriend: “…and then eat it.”

(My husband is emptying his pockets so I can wash his jeans; among other things he unearths nine pennies. My back is turned, and I don’t realize what he’s doing. Suddenly, the nine pennies clatter down onto my head.)

Me: “What the heck was that?!”

Husband: “I was just trying to knock some cents into you.”

(My husband and I are texting about how his day at work is.)

Husband: “Ugh! I’m sick! It’s draining my motivation.”

Me: “Baby, I’m sorry. I love you, you can do this!”

Husband: “I love you, too. I know I will do this, but d*** am I drained!”

Me: “I wish I could give you all my energy. Like you’re a parasite, only I know about you, and I let you do it, and have sex with you.”

Husband: “That made me laugh so hard I choked on phlegm.”

(I work at a tech support call-center.)

Caller: “Can I ask you a strange question?”

Me: “That’s what we’re here for.”

Caller: “Is it possible that websites show up in the browser’s history, without anyone visiting them?”

Me: “Not generally, no.”

Caller: “Okay, hold on.”

(I then hear him in the background.)

Caller: “Boys, this gentleman says that this is not possible.”

(My dad has begrudgingly approved of my relationship with my boyfriend. At the family dinner, I am explaining to my parents why I didn’t come home the night before. My little brother is listening in.)

Me: “Well, the snow was really bad and I was exhausted. [Boyfriend] said I should just stay the night.”

Dad: “Hmm, alright. You shouldn’t be hanging out with him if you’re that tired during the day.”

Me: “I’ll try not to make it a habit.”

Brother: “So… you spent the night at his place?”

Me: “Yes, I did.”

Brother: “In the same bed?”

Me: “Yes, I did.”

(My brother looks serious.)

Brother: “Okay, but make sure you don’t sleep to close to him.”

Me: “Why’s that?”

Brother: “If you sleep to close to him, you’ll get pregnant!”

Me: “I… what? What do you mean?”

Brother: “In class, we saw this video. The boy and girl slept in the same bed, and they got too close, and then she was pregnant!”

Me: “That’s not quite how it—”

(My dad gives me a look.)

Me: “Okay, I promise I won’t sleep to close to him next time.”

(My little brother looks proud of himself.)

Brother: “Good.”

(He continues eating dinner.)