(My sister is the maid of honor at my wedding. She has recently graduated with a degree in public health education, and is considering going on for a master’s in epidemiology. She is giving her toast at the reception.)

Sister: “The two of you together just ooze happiness. And, like many things that ooze, that happiness is infectious!”

(She apologized afterward, but my husband and I both thought that was the best part of the whole speech!)

(My brother-in-law has to clear a blockage in the septic tank. His 12-year-old son is holding a torch for him, so he can see while he tries to clear the mess.)

Son: “I don’t know why you’re going to all this effort, dad. Just throw a couple of laxatives in there, and it’ll sort itself out.”

Fiancé: “Hi, can we get a large and a small coffee?”

Drive-thru Worker: “So that’s two medium coffees. Anything else?”

Fiancé: “No, it’s a large and a small.”

Drive-thru Worker: “Two mediums. Anything else?”

Fiancé: “A large and a small!”

Drive-thru Worker: “Two mediums?”

Fiancé: *facepalms* “Yes. Two medium coffees.”

(The internet isn’t working in the building. My coworker is trying to fix the problem when I receive this call.)

Secretary: “The internet isn’t working!”

Me: “We know. We are trying to fix the problem right now.”

Secretary: “Can you tell me when it is going to work again?”

Me: “Sorry, but no, we are not sure where is the source of the problem. However, we are doing everything we can to solve the problem as soon as possible.”

Secretary: “But tell me when it’s going to work again.”

Me: “I don’t know. It can’t be long.”

Secretary: “I need to know when the internet is going to be working. Why don’t you tell me?”

Me: “I can’t tell you because if the problem isn’t solved, you are going to call us again asking why it is still not working. Please be patient.”

Secretary: “Tell me when the internet is going to work again!”

Me: “…The internet is coming back in five minutes.”

Secretary: “Really?”

Me: “No. I don’t know when the service will be back.”

Secretary: “Why you didn’t tell me that from the beginning?!”

(A male customer cuts in line at the check-out during Black Friday.)

Customer: “B****! Get off your lazy a** and bag my items!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You heard me! Or didn’t you? All you woman are as useless as—”

Next Customer: “Pardon my interruption, but you do realize you wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for your mother… A WOMAN? You call that useless?”

(The customer leaves quickly, without eye contact.)