(I’m manager of the electronic department in a retail store. Though we do not offer tech support, I often give out advice when I can, since I’m pretty tech savvy.)

Customer: “Hey, you seem to know your stuff; I’ve seen you around. Listen, my cat sat on my laptop the other day, and now I can’t get the track-pad to work. I could use a mouse, but it’s more to carry around and they make my hand hurt.”

Me: “I can’t be sure, but it sounds like your cat may have just disabled it. Most laptops have a button you can turn it on/off with, and the cat probably pressed it by accident.”

(I show him on a demo unit what to look for and where it might be. He thanks me, and heads out. I don’t think anything of it until I see him again, about 30 minutes later, with a plastic shopping bag in tow.)

Customer: “So, I tried to find what you suggested, but I couldn’t figure it out. Do you think you could show me?”

(I look around nervously, since I’m technically not allowed to perform any services like this. But he already has the laptop out on my counter, and it’s powering up. Since no one is around, I decide to help him out.)

Me: “Your track-pad was locked. This button right here locks and unlocks it. See the little light that comes on when it’s working?”

Customer: “Oh man, that’s awesome! I can’t believe it was so simple. Listen, I was ready to spend a lot to get this fixed, but you did it for free! Can I give you this $20 as a tip?”

Me: “Ah… no. Unfortunately we are not allowed to accept tips. If you’re really insistent that I take it, I’ll have to turn it over to my boss, and it’ll become part of a charitable donation.”

Customer: “What if I just drop it as I’m leaving, and you happen to pick it up?”

Me: “There’s a security camera right above us. Listen, I really appreciate the thought, but I can’t accept it. Think of it as my good deed for the day.”

Customer: “Right on man, like karma. Hey, you want some of this bud?”

(He pulls a small plastic bag of marijuana out of his pocket, and offers it towards me.)

Me: “Ah! Sir, I would highly recommend putting that away. I did mention there’s a security camera right above us.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah. Well, I hope when you get off work you get to smoke up, drink up, or whatever it is you do to unwind. You deserve it, man. Let that good karma flow back to you!”

(I’m in an environmental science class for my science general education in college. The professor is explaining the difference between a jetty, usually used to stabilize an opening for an inlet, and a groin, used to prevent erosion.)

Professor: “So, let’s say [Student #1] built a groin where it would bulk up his section of shoreline. Then [Student #2] next door decided to build a groin for his section of beach, so all the sand moving with the current collects in front of his house instead of his neighbor’s. [Student #1], what would you do?”

Student #1: “I’d destroy his groin!”

(A classmate of mine is constantly getting in trouble for chewing gum in class. My Religion teacher punishes this offense by requiring him to spit it out and put 25 cents in a jar for charity. One day, my teacher walks in and calls out my classmate’s name.)

Teacher: “[Classmate]!”

(My classmate immediately gets up, walks to the garbage can, spits out his gum, and puts a quarter in the jar.)

Teacher: “Ah, the power of guilt. Mr. [Classmate], I was actually going to compliment you on your perfect test score.”

(I’m getting my master’s degree so I can teach, so my aunt decides to invite me to her classroom one day so I can get some experience by spending an afternoon with her students. While we’re eating lunch in the teacher’s lounge, my aunt introduces me to somebody from my dad’s past.)

Aunt: “Oh, I want you to meet [teacher’s name]. [Teacher’s name], this is my nephew.”

Teacher: “Hmmm, you wouldn’t happen to be [my dad’s name]’s son, would you?”

Me: “You know my dad?”

Teacher: “Oh yeah, we dated back in high school.”

Me: “Wow, that’s crazy!”

Teacher: “Yeah, we were pretty serious back then.”

Me: “Um…”

Teacher: “50 years ago…”

Me: “…”

Teacher: “You know, you have your father’s lips.”

Me: *quickly rushing out of the lounge* “I’m going to go see if the students want somebody to referee their kickball game! Bye!”

(My girlfriend and I are sitting at a Taiwanese restaurant, looking at the menu.)

Girlfriend: “I think I’m going to be adventurous this time!”

(A waiter walks up to the table.)

Waiter: “Are you ready to order?”

Me: “Yes, I’ll have sweet and sour chicken.”

Waiter: *to my girlfriend* “And you?”

Girlfriend: “Ironically, I’ll have the same thing; sweet and sour chicken.”