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Variety Is The Vice Of Life

, | Right | June 18, 2009

Me: “Here’s your drink. Are you ready to order your food, or would you like some more time?”

Customer: “No, I know what I want. I want the cheeseburger. That’s all.”

Me: “Okay, what kind of cheese would you like, and how well would you like that cooked?”

Customer: “Huh?”

Me: “Sorry; what kind of cheese would you like, and how well would you like that cooked?”

Customer: “Whadya mean what kinda cheese? Reg’lar yella cheese!”

Me: “Okay… and how well done would you like that?”

Customer: “Huh?”

Me: “How well-cooked would you like the burger, sir?”

Customer: “What you talkin’ ’bout, how well-cooked?”

Me: “Would you like it cooked rare, medium rare, medium, medium well. or well done?”

Customer: “Now, look: when I go to [Fast Food Restaurant] and order me a burger, they don’t ask me if I want it cooked! Course I want it cooked. I don’t want no raw meat. Now gimme a d*** cooked burger with some plain ol’ yella cheese!”

Me: “Yes, sir!”


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Honesty Against The Best Policies

, , , , | Right | June 18, 2009

(We have a five-item max policy for our changing rooms. One lady walks out with arms full of stuff, then goes back for more.)

Me: “Excuse me, it’s only five items in the changing rooms.”

Customer: “Well, it’s never been that before.”

Me: “Actually, we’ve been enforcing it for the last 18 months. See, there’s a sign.” *points at a sign on the wall*

Customer: “I don’t actually read signs.”

Me: “Well, at least you’ll know for next time.”

Customer: “Oh, I won’t read it next time, either.”


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The Geese Will Never Know What Hit ‘Em

, , , | Right | June 18, 2009

(At our gardens, we use dogs to chase geese away from delicate areas. I encounter two elderly patrons who are clearly unhappy.)

Patron #1: “I think it’s disgusting that they allow dogs here.”

Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am, the dog is an employee. He has a name tag and a paycheck.”

Patron #2: “Then why don’t the employees chase the geese away?”

Me: “That’s because the geese are meaner than we are. If you think you can do a better job, feel free to!”

Two For The Price Of Dumb

, , , , | Right | June 17, 2009

Customer: “I saw this same cord at [Competitor] for $15. Why is it $20 here?”

Me: “I don’t know, maybe they’re having a sale? I don’t set the prices.”

Customer: “Well, will you price match?”

Me: “If you can provide documentation, sure, I’ll do it.”

Customer: “So if I bring in the receipt that shows $15 at [Competitor], I can get it here for $15?”

Me: “…so you want to go to [Competitor], buy it for $15, and then come here to buy it again so that we can match their price?”

Customer: “Yes. Will you match that?”

Me: “Sure, why not?”

Fifi Feels The Sting Of Government Bailouts

, , , , | Right | June 17, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I just went to the drive-thru at the bank’s [Town] location, and they were very rude!”

Me: “I’m so sorry. Please explain what happened.”

Customer: “I go there every day, and they always give my dog a doggy biscuit. Today they didn’t give him a biscuit!”

Me: “I’m sorry. What else happened?”

Customer: “Well… that’s it, but I always have my dog with me and they always give him a treat. They told me they’re not doing that anymore!”

Me: “It’s not a requirement for the bank branches to give treats to customers’ pets.”

Customer: “I’m going to close my account if they don’t start giving out treats again!”

Me: “That is your decision to make. But again, it is not a requirement for a bank branch to give your dog treats.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous!” *click*