(My four-year-old son and I are walking home from day-care, when we have a small argument. After a moment, he takes my hand and gives it a kiss.)

Me: “Thank you for that, but you’re still in trouble.”

Son: “How will I not be in trouble?”

Me: “By listening to me.”

Son: “No… that won’t work.”

(I am visiting my cousin on vacation, and we are talking about places to go.)

Cousin: “We can go to the zoo and visit your cousins.”

(My cousin realizes what she’s just said.)

Cousin: “Wait, I meant your cousins from the other side of the family!”

(My mother is flying to USA to attend my brother’s graduation from university. English is her third language, and while she understands a lot, talking is harder for her.)

Passenger: “So, where are you going?”

Mom: *very proudly* “I’m going to visit my son and attend his graduation from university.”

Passenger: “Oh, how nice. What is he graduating as?”

Mom: “A vegetarian.”

Passenger: “Oh… that’s… interesting. Did he go to university for that?”

Mom: “Oh, yes, for four years.”

Passenger: “Hmm… I didn’t know that you could do that.”

(My mom now notices how strangely the passenger is reacting to her story. She starts replaying the conversation in her head and finally a light goes on in her head.)

Mom: “No, I meant VETERINARIAN!”

(My family is getting together to celebrate my grandmother’s birthday. I am about eight years old. My uncle has just called and told us he is running late, and we should just order some appetizers until he gets there. Even though I am young, I love calamari and have had it many times. The waitress comes out and goes around the table asking what people want for appetizers.)

Waitress: “Is there anything you would like, sweetie?”

Mom: “She would like an order of the calamari off the regular menu.”

(The waitress gives me a patronizing look.)

Waitress: “Do you understand what that is hun? I don’t think you’d like it very much.”

Me: “It’s my favorite.”

Mom: “Really, it is. She’s had it a bunch of times and she loves it.”

Waitress: *talking to me again* “Well, just so you know, it’s lightly breaded and fried squid.”

Mom: “She knows what it is. It’s her favorite. Please just add it to the order.”

Waitress: “Ooookay.”

(The waitress leaves and comes back a short while later and serves us. The calamari has not been cooked properly, and has the consistency of rubber bands. I don’t eat more than a bite or two. The waitress returns.)

Waitress: “How are we doing over here? Are we going to wait a little longer to order?” *she looks at my hardly touched food* “What’s wrong? You didn’t care for it?”

Mom: “I think it was a little overcooked. It had a very rubbery texture to it.”

Waitress: “I’ll just get this out of your way. It’s alright, not many children care for this kind of food. You should be proud of yourself for trying new things!”

(At this moment, my uncle finally arrives. He overhears the conversation and sees what’s taking place.)

Uncle: “Huh, that’s odd. I’ve never seen you turn down calamari, [my name].”

Waitress: *shocked* “You mean she’s had this before?”

(Everyone at the table rolls their eyes.)

(I’m a lifeguard, and I’m working the top of the large waterslide. The other lifeguard is at the bottom, and is supposed to monitor the kids when they get to the bottom. I watch a kid get to the bottom of the slide, and it appears he has banged his head pretty violently as he is now holding his head in obvious pain.)

Me: *using a walkie* “Hey [Coworker], could you check to see if the kid who just came out of slide two is okay? It looked like he hit his head pretty good.”

Coworker: “Ugh, where’s this kid?”

Me: “The kid that just came out of slide two.”

Coworker: “I don’t see any kid.”

Me: “He’s the kid that’s holding his head, and sitting in your peripheral vision on the ground literally two feet in front of you!”

Coworker: “Oh.”