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Snakes On A Plane…And In The Next Seat Over

, , | Right | May 28, 2009

(This man comes to the movie theater with a live snake wrapped around his neck. This is the exchange that takes place.)

Coworker: “Hello, sir, and welcome to [Movie Theater]– Is that a snake?!”

(Every customer in the lobby that can hear my coworker scampers away.)

Customer: “Yes, it is.”

Coworker: *shrinking back in fear* “I’m sorry, sir, but company policy prohibits any animals other than seeing-eye animals.”

Customer: “The snake is a seeing-eye animal.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, sir, but I’m going to have to ask you to come back without the snake. It’s upsetting the other guests.”

Customer: “FINE! I didn’t want to see the stupid movie anyway!” *stomps away*


This story is part of our Snakes roundup!

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Small Talk In The Big House

, , , , | Right | May 28, 2009

(While working the overnight shift alone, a single customer walks into the store and walks to my register.)

Customer: “What would you do if I robbed you?”

Me: “…I’d call the cops.”

Customer: “What about if I had a knife to your throat?”

Me: “Do you really think those are good questions to be asking me?”

Customer: “Okay, let’s just say I have a gun in your face.”

Me: “Get out. Now.”

Customer: “Sheesh, I was just trying to have a friendly conversation with you…” *leaves*

It’s One Big Greasy Conspiracy

, , | Right | May 28, 2009

Customer: “Ugh! Everything you make here has canola oil in it. Don’t you know that’s not even food? It’s made from rapeseed, which isn’t even edible!”

Me: “While it’s true you can’t actually eat the plant, canola oil itself is–”

Customer: “It’s all genetically modified. You can’t get canola oil that isn’t genetically modified.”

Me: “Actually, the canola oil we use comes from a company called Spectrum that–”

Customer: “Spectrum!? That’s an Illuminati company!”

Me: “Let me get my manager for you…”

Hard Core Ambitions, Soft Core Realities

, , , | Right | May 28, 2009

Customer: “Hey, I want this tattoo on my arm.” *holds out a piece of paper*

Me: “Okay, let me see…” *looks at the paper* “Are you sure this is right?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m sure. It’s hardcore. You know, HC!”

Me: “Yeah, but I’m not sure if this is right.”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s right. You’re old, so you won’t get it!”

Me: “Okay, so let me get this straight: you want this exact tattoo on your arm?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “You want your tattoo to say this?” *shows him his paper*

Customer: “Yes!”

(I ask him several more times to be sure, but he insists it’s right so I give him his tattoo: “HAR CORE” with the “D” conspicuously absent. After several days of showing how “hard core” he is to his friends, they convince him to come back and get it fixed; it now says “HC”.)


This story is part of our Tattoo roundup!

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Read the Tattoo roundup!

How About Long Johnson Silver

, , , , , | Right | May 27, 2009

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need that book about the whale and the guy trying to get it.”

Me: “Oh, Moby Dick? It’s right back here.”

Customer: “WHAT?! I don’t want a book about dick! Ew!”

Me: “Um… Moby Dick is about the white whale and Captain Ahab. By Herman Melville. It’s a classic.”

Customer: “Oh. Do you have any copies with a manlier title?”