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Hair In Mid-air

, , , | Right | November 17, 2009

(A customer brings in a beautiful long-haired Shih Tzu for a trim up. As I am petting the dog, I feel that she is very matted.)

Me: “I am sorry, but Missy is very matted. She needs to be shaved down very close to her skin.”

Customer: “Oh, no, she’s not matted. Can’t you see how long her fur is? I brush her every day.”

Me: “I’m sure you do, ma’am, but you are only getting the hair on top. The hair on the bottom has become very matted and needs to be shaved.”

Customer: “Can’t you just shave the bottom and leave the top?”


This story is part of our Stupid Pet Owners roundup!

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Stir, Yes, Sir!

, , , , | Right | November 17, 2009

Coworker: “Thank you for choosing [Fast Food Restaurant]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Medium! Coffee! Two! Equal!”

Coworker: “Okay, will that be all?”

Customer: “NOOO! Medium! Coffee! Two! Cream! Three! Equal!”

Coworker: “Okay, two medium coffees. Will that be all?”

Customer: “NOOO! Medium! Honey! Lemon! Tea! Three! Splendid!”

Coworker: “Okay, will there be anything else?”

Customer: “YESSS! Large! Coffee! French Vanilla! Double! Double!”

Coworker: “Is that all?”

Customer: “YESSS!”


This story is part of the Ignorant Coffee Customers roundup!

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Pepperoni Extremism

, , , , , | Right | November 16, 2009

(I’ve just finished giving a guy his pizza when he notices my car in the driveway. It is 2009.)

Customer: “That your car?”

Me: “Yes, it is. You like it?”

Customer: “Yeah! Mind if I go look at it?”

Me: “Sure. I’ll show you around it.”

(We get there and he studies the decals in my window. I have an “Obama ’08” button on the back of my headrest.)

Customer: *gasps* “Are you a terrorist?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Don’t play dumb with me! You’re a terrorist!”

Me: “What are you talking about?!”

Customer: “You’re a terrorist and you voted for a terrorist for president!”

Me: “Sir, I can assure you that our president is not a terrorist.”

Customer: “But he is! He’s not American! He’s an illegal immigrant!”

Me: “Sir, why would we have an illegal immigrant terrorist as president if the government were on his side?”

Customer: *gasps again* “You’re right! Everyone’s a terrorist!”

Me: “No, no, no! They’re not terrorists!”

Customer: “You’re on their side?! Don’t kill me!”

Me: *giving up* “Yes, I’m a terrorist.”

(The customer screamed and ran inside. A few moments later, the pizza fell out of a second-story window.)

Wising Up To Dumbing Down

, , , | Right | November 16, 2009

(I’m showing a customer the difference between a few different products and the benefits of each. After a few minutes, he selects the item he wants.)

Customer: “Why are you so smart?”

Me: *jokingly* “Everyone tells me to stop, but I guess I just can’t help it!”

Customer: *completely serious* “Well, stop it! It annoys me when people are smarter than me!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “Kids these days!” *walks off*

Always Right, Questionable Eyesight

, , , , , | Right | November 16, 2009

(I’m twelve and helping out at my grandparents’ farm. My three-year-old cousin has been playing too close the driveway, so I carry him while ringing up customers.)

Customer: “Dear, your son is just darling. Absolutely adorable!”

Me: “Thank you, ma’am, but this is my cousin.”

Customer: “Nonsense, he looks exactly like you! Well, if you were a boy, but EXACTLY like you.”

(I have curly dark hair, and he has straight blond hair, and that’s just the beginning of the differences.)

Me: “I don’t think–”

Customer: “EXACTLY like you.

Me: “I’m sorry, but–”

Customer: “EXACTLY. LIKE. YOU.”

Me: “If you say–”

Customer: “EXACTLY.”

Me: “…that’ll be $35.”


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