(A customer comes up to me with an item wrapped in bubble wrap.)

Customer: “I’d like to return this, please.”

(The customer hands me the item with no receipt and it’s obviously an item from Christmas. The candle in it has been lit and used and the item is missing part of the tag. I look up the item and find out it’s from Christmas of last year.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I cannot return this item.”

Customer: “Well, why not?”

Me: “This item is from Christmas of last year and our return policy is 30 days with your receipt. This is well over 30 days and is a holiday item. We do not accept refunds on holiday items.”

Customer: “Well, that isn’t my fault. This thing is hideous and I don’t want it anymore.”

Me: “I understand that, sir, but there isn’t anything I can do.”

Customer: getting agitated* “Well you HAVE to take it back. I don’t want it. You guys sell ugly things.”

(At this point, my manager comes over to deal with the increasingly agitated customer.)

Manager: “Sir, is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes! This girl is telling me she won’t take back my item! It’s ugly! I don’t want it! [Competitor] has a policy that they will take back anything anytime! You have to do that too!”

Manager: “Sir, I am sorry but this item is too old and it’s used. We can’t return it. That is our policy.”

(This goes back a forth a few times. The customer keeps saying how our competitors policy would allow it. However, we are not affiliated with them, so obviously our policy is different. Finally, the customer gives up and grabs his item from me.)

Customer: “[Competitor] would have taken it!”

(The customer storms out and another customer comes up to my manager.)

Customer #2: “Want me to kick his a** for you all the way to [competitor]?”

Manager: *laughs* “Be my guest!”

(The bookstore is located in the center of town, so we often have peculiar occurrences.)

Me: “Hi there, sir. Is there anything I can help you with today?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a card.”

Me: “Our card section is right this way. What occasion did you need the card for?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a card for my enemy.”

Me: “Um, okay—”

Customer: “I want it to say ‘DIE, BASTARD, DIE!'”

Me: “I’m…afraid we don’t actually have any cards to fit your needs. Your best bet is to try down the road at [competitor’s] store.”

(I’m finally moving into my long distance boyfriend’s apartment. I have a majority of my stuff over there, but I still live at my place.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, I helped you unpack a little!”

(He sends a picture of his TV with my Playstation 3 home screen on it.)

Me: “You unpacked my PS3?”

Boyfriend: “Yup! and set it up too! Now it has Netflix.”

Me: “Awesome. Now, there is a box labelled ‘Videogames’ you can unpack too!”

Boyfriend: “Nah, I’ll let you handle that.”

(I have gone with friends from work to see the midnight showing of ‘The Avengers’. I am talking to my wife about it afterwards.)

Me: “I felt weird wearing my Spider-man shirt since he’s not an Avenger, but at least he’s Marvel. I saw some people wearing some weird stuff.”

Wife: “Like what?”

Me: “Well, I saw one person wearing an Aquaman shirt.”

Wife: “Wrong universe. And who would wear an Aquaman shirt? He’s just stupid!”

Me: “And, that’s why I love you.”

Me: “I love you a lot.”

Boyfriend: “I love you like a penguin loves his waddling.”

Me: “I love you like your rabbit loves clementines.”

Boyfriend: “I love you like Jack the Ripper loves the ladies of the night.”

Me: “…I’m not sure I want to be loved in that way.”