(My long-distance girlfriend has very sensitive skin; so much so that stroking it will quickly cause her to lose track of what she is saying and go limp. We are talking via text message while I’m at work.)

Girlfriend: “Aah lurves joo.”

Me: “Ah lurves goo. That’s not an autocorrect; I just really appreciate goo.”

Girlfriend: “I… am glad? May the snot be with you?”

Me: “I shall now pet the puddle of [Girlfriend Name] goo.”

Girlfriend: “Hey! I am not even goo yet!”

Me: “Really? Well, can’t have that. Pettings will continue until liquidity improves.”

Girlfriend: “We have the weirdest flirting.”

(My boyfriend and I have been in an online relationship for almost two years now. We are both big pervs and nerds. We are both video-chatting and discussing about games to buy online, when my boyfriend makes a booby joke.)

Me: ” Um… you know, I was almost tempted to take off my top for you.”

Boyfriend: *going through his game wish-list* “Hmm, Civilization V needs ‘Direct X 11’…”

Me: “All the s*** they say about gamer boyfriends is actually true!”

(I am in my early 20s. One of my most annoying regulars has been flirting awkwardly for a while, despite my obvious discomfort, and the engagement ring on my finger. I am working alone, and there is a long line behind him, waiting to order.)

Regular: “So, I know you don’t know me that well, but would you like to go out sometime? We can catch a ball game or something.”

Me: “…I’m engaged.”

Regular: “So?”

Me: “I have a fiancé. I’m getting married in three months.”

Regular: “But you’re not married yet! C’mon, it’ll be fun!”

Me: “No.”

Regular: “Come on, one date. You’ll have the rest of your life with him. Enjoy your single life while you can!”

(A burly customer behind the regular speaks up.)

Burly Customer: “Dude, she said no. Now get the f*** out before I throw you out.”

(Embarrassed, the regular leaves.)

Burly Customer: “D*** it, I was hoping he’d try again. I really wanted an excuse to toss him out on his a**. Large latte, please.”

(My mom decides to get pies from the bakery around the corner. When she gets home, my mom decides to take a peek at the pumpkin pie, and discovers that the entire surface is a sickly shade of green. Needless to say, she goes to return it.)

My Mom: “Hi, I’d like to return this pie.”

Cashier: “Sure, what seems to be the issue?”

(My mom opens the box and shows it to the cashier, and the cashier flies into a rage.)

Cashier: “That’s not one of our pies!”

My Mom: “I assure you it is. I ordered it here.”

Cashier: “THAT’S NOT ONE OF OUR PIES! YOU BOUGHT THAT SOMEWHERE ELSE AND YOU’RE TRYING TO GET A REFUND HERE! I’LL SHOW YOU ONE OF OUR PIES!”

(The cashier comes out of the back with a box, and without looking at it, opens it, and shoves it into my mom’s face.)

Cashier: “SEE? THIS IS WHAT OUR PIES LOOK LIKE!”

(The cashier notices my mom’s incredulous expression, because she flips over the box, only to find an identical, green pie staring back at her. Needless to say, we don’t get pies there any more.)

(My boss’ office is out by the back dock, at the end of a narrow corridor covered by security cameras that are viewed in the office. I’m walking down this corridor to ask her a question.)

Me: *sticks head in door* “Hey, boss—”

(My boss screams and whips her head around.)

Boss: “Don’t do that!”

Me: “What?”

Boss: “Don’t scare me like that! I didn’t know you were coming!”

Me: “What do you mean? There are cameras down the whole corridor!”

Boss: “I didn’t hear you coming! Admit it; you’re a ninja!”

Me: “…yes boss, I’m a ninja. Now, about aisle three…”