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Common Sense Bounces Off His Head

| Right | October 10, 2013

(There have been a number of armed robberies in the surrounding area of betting shops, convenience stores and post offices. We are all pretty on edge when a customer comes in the store wearing a motorbike helmet.)

Me: “Excuse me, could you remove your helmet please?”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “Could you remove your helmet, please? You’re not supposed to come in the shop with it on.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous; why should I have to take it off?”

Me: “I’m not serving you while you have it on. Please remove it.”

Customer: “If a [racial slur] came in here with their face covered, you wouldn’t ask them to remove it.”

Me: “Seeing as that isn’t even relevant in this matter, I’ll ignore what you just said. However I will not serve you while you are wearing that helmet. There have been countless armed robberies in the area, so do you really think I feel safe with you walking in like that? Just be glad I haven’t already pressed the panic button.”

Customer: *shuts up and removes helmet*

Singing To A Different Scripted Tune

| Right | October 10, 2013

(I ring up my phone network provider to get my mobile phone contract renegotiated. Thanks to regulations in the UK, call center staff are told they must repeat themselves over and over again so the consumer understands what they’re signing up to. I get a little bored after hearing the same script for the fifth time.)

Employee: “So, you understand that you’ll be getting 600 minutes—”

Me: “DAAAAHHH DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH, DAAAAAH DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH, DAAAAAHHHH DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH!”

Employee: “1 gig of data—”

Me: “DAAAAH DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH!”

Employee: “You have the right to—”

Me: “DUUUH DUUUUH DUUUH DUUUUH!”

Employee: “Contact us at any time if—”

Me: “Do you ever feel like you’re repeating yourself? I’m sure I’ve heard this 12 times already.”

Employee: “You have no idea.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll just keep singing then.”

He Got BUS-ted

| Right | October 10, 2013

(I’m at the busiest train station in the state, waiting to get out of the station to grab some lunch whilst I wait for my train. I get stuck behind a man whose train ticket will not allow him to exit through the ticket gates.)

Passenger: “Excuse me, my ticket isn’t working!”

Employee: “Oh, can I see your ticket, please?”

Passenger: “I bought this from a news agency. It’s supposed to work on all trains!”

(The passenger hands the employee a pre-paid bus ticket.)

Employee: “I’m sorry, sir, but this ticket won’t work here. This is not a train ticket.”

Passenger: “But I bought it from a newsagent! It has to work!”

Employee: “I don’t know what else to tell you, mate. This ticket will not work on this service, and you have wasted your money. I can let you through the gate, though, if you’ll just step back to let the gate open.”

Passenger: “This is RIDICULOUS! This ticket is supposed to work! I used my hard-earned money on it! I spent Australian currency on this! Why isn’t it working?!”

(There is now a very long line of irate people waiting for the man to just go through the now open gate. The employee is dumbfounded as to why the man won’t just leave. I lose my temper because I’m hungry and my train is to leave shortly, so I step in.)

Me: “Dude. You bought the wrong ticket. That ticket is a bus ticket. Operative word: BUS. This is a train station.”

Passenger: “I don’t care! I bought it and therefore it should work!”

Me: “Yeah, it will work on a bus, but that brings us back to the original predicament: this is a train station, so your ticket will not work, no matter how much you harass people about it.”

Passenger: “Nobody asked you, you little b****.”

Me: “No, you’re right; nobody asked me. But I’m f****** hungry, and you are holding up a few dozen people. So please shut up, accept the fact that you screwed up, and get out of the way.”

Passenger: “You’ve got a mouth on you, don’t you?”

Me: “I do, and I’d like to fill it with food, so please get the f*** out of my way.”

(The passenger storms off, and I ask the employee if she can keep the gate open for me as I don’t want my ticket to get rejected on the way back through. She lets me through, and I go to get some food and come back. As I come back to the gate, there is a security guard and another employee standing with the first employee. The security guard approaches me with a notepad.)

Security Guard: “Excuse me, miss: I just have a question for you. Are you in any way affiliated with [rail company] as a contractor or employee?”

Me: “No, I’m just trying to get to Woolongong to see a few friends.”

Security Guard: *closes notepad and smiles* “Thanks for that. That guy you told off? He tried to file an official complaint against you. He wouldn’t believe [Employee] when she said you don’t work here.”

Employee: “And thanks for that, by the way. Enjoy your trip to the coast!”

Linux Would Blow Her Mind And Drive

| Learning | October 9, 2013

(It is 1998, when candy-colored iMac computers are popular. I have just gotten a lime green one for Christmas, and am setting it up for dial-up internet access in the dorm.)

Roommate: “What kind of Windows is that? It looks different from mine.”

Me: “It’s not Windows. It’s Mac OS 9.”

Roommate: “Don’t be silly. You can’t run a computer without a Windows.”

Me: “Ooookay, then.”

Roommate: “You know, I just changed my major to computer science, so let me know if you need any help!”

(She dropped out about six weeks later.)

Should Stick To Painting With All The Colors Of The Wind

| Learning | October 9, 2013

(We are discussing Pocahontas in history class.)

Friend: “Wait, didn’t she get some disease and die really young?”

Teacher: “We’re still not sure what disease, but yes.”

(Most of the girl classmates discuss how Disney ‘tricked them’ while my friend has another question.)

Friend: “Where did she get it?”

Teacher: “It was the 17th century. They didn’t have vaccines or any kind of prevention.”

Friend: “…didn’t she get it from having sex with Lewis and Clarke?”

(The entire class just stares at her. Finally, I speak up.)

Me: “Wrong girl, wrong time, and definitely wrong cause.”

Teacher: *still speechless* “I don’t think I’ve ever heard a more wrong statement in my life.”

(She also thought that John Wilkes and John Wilkes Booth were the same guy.)