(I’m filling out my boyfriend’s application for a passport, when I get to the emergency contact information.)

Me: “Who do you want me to put as your contact?”

Boyfriend: “I don’t know… you.”

Me: “I have to put a status of our relationship; how we know each other. ‘Girlfriend’ seems too informal, and were not married so I can’t use ‘spouse.'”

Boyfriend: “What about ‘besties?'”

(My boyfriend and I are not officially engaged yet, but know that it’s going to happen, and talk about our future wedding from time to time. We are not conventional, and love this quality in each other. We are discussing our wedding online.)

Me: “Can [my dog] give me away at our wedding?”

Boyfriend: “Yes! He can pull you down the aisle in a wagon.”

Me: “I figured he’d just walk down the aisle next to me, and steal any food that anyone might have as we walk.”

Boyfriend: “Because our wedding will have a cotton candy vendor.”

Me: “And an ice cream cart! So we eat choco-tacos in our formal wear.”

Boyfriend: “God I love you!”

Me: “I’m not joking, by the way.”

(I send him a link to a website for a company from which people can rent ice cream carts.)

Boyfriend: “Yes!”

Me: “And it’ll be catered by [pizza delivery place].”

Boyfriend: “…I just came.”

(My two-year-old daughter, my husband, and I are all together at a Renaissance festival. We are all in costume. A guy in a pirate outfit approaches me the second my husband steps away to look at something.)

Random Pirate Guy: “Hello there, fair lady. I just wanted to give you this trinket and compliment you on your exceptional beauty.”

(He kisses my hand, and slips a pipe-cleaner rose ring on my finger.)

Random Pirate Guy: “Would such a fair maiden consent to possibly meeting me later today?”

Me: “Um, that’s nice of you, but I’ll decline thanks.”

(The pirate guy suddenly gets very offended, and I can tell he’s about to make a scene.)

Random Pirate Guy: “Oh? Um, is there some reason you don’t want to talk to me?”

Me: “I can give you three: One…”

(I point to the stroller in front of me with my daughter in it.)

Me: “Two…”

(I point to my wedding ring, directly next to the rose ring he just gave me.)

Me: “…and three.”

(I wave to my husband, who is now sprinting towards us holding a brand new long sword.)

Husband: “Look, sweetie! I got a new sword!”

(I don’t see the guy again for the rest of the day, and I have to explain to my husband why I am laughing so hard.)

(I am having a quiet alone time with myself and a big mug of coffee, when my eight-year-old son walks up to me. My five-year-old son is also in the room, playing quietly.)

Eight-Year-Old Son: “Did you know that Hawaii is the only state in the U.S. that grows coffee? Commercially, I mean.”

Me: “I don’t know and I don’t care.”

Five-Year-Old Son: *laughing hysterically at his brother* “Good answer, Mommy!”

Me: “Stop it, [Five Year Old]! Sorry, [Eight Year Old]. I didn’t mean to be rude.”

Eight-Year-Old Son: “Do you know why Hawaii grows the best coffee?”

Me: “Perfect weather?”

Eight-Year-Old Son: “You mean climate, yes. And good soil. Did you know that Puerto Rico also grows coffee?”

Me: “I do now. Thanks for telling me.”

Five-Year-Old Son: *laughing*

Eight-Year-Old Son: *oblivious to his brother’s ridicule* “But Puerto Rico is not a State. It’s a U.S. territory, so Hawaii is still the correct answer.”

Me: “You are very bright.”

Five-Year-Old Son: “Bright and loves to show off!”

Me: “Enough with this quiz. Now can I finish my coffee before it gets cold?”

Eight-Year-Old Son: “No! Not yet! Where was coffee first discovered?”

Me: “Okay, go ahead and tell us.”

Eight-Year-Old Son: “It was first discovered in Ethiopia.” *looks me in the eye* “I guess you didn’t know that either.”

Me: “Sorry.”

Eight-Year-Old Son: *disgusted* “How could you be drinking coffee and not know anything about it? If there was poison on it, you’d be dead. Goodness gracious, Mommy!”

(My five-year-old son’s boisterous laughter continues. This time the little punk is laughing at me.)

(I’m female. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this.)

Me: “I’ve got a twin brother.”

Person: “Are you identical?!”