(I am over at my boyfriend’s house, talking with his siblings.)

Brother: “Urgh! I keep losing my socks! I can never find them!”

(We all laugh and continue talking. He joins in and then leaves after a few minutes, before returning.)

Brother: “They were on my feet…”

(My dad and I are listening to the radio when the song ‘Dynamite’ comes on.)

Song: “We gon’ light it up like it’s dynamite!”

Dad: “Who is this guy?!”

Me: “It’s just a song that’s recently become popular about partying.”

Dad: “Oh, I thought it was a song about a terrorist…”

(My brother and I share a little quirk. Whenever we’re watching something on TV that scares us or freaks us out, we grab a cushion and put it on top of our heads. I just bought ‘The Woman in Black’ on DVD. We saw it together at the cinema and it scared us silly. We’re in our lounge this time, watching it on a little TV screen, and it’s in the middle of the day. My brother is a huge, 6’2” rugby player and bodybuilder.)

Brother: *at the beginning of the film* “I’ll be fine, you know. This’ll just be funny. I’ve seen it twice before and everything.”

(By the middle of the film, after the first little scare bit, he’s sitting next to me wide eyed and pale faced.)

Me: *holding out a cushion* “Do you want a cushion for protection?”

(He wordlessly takes it, and we simultaneously jam them on our heads. By the end of the movie, we’re surrounded by a pillow fort, and my brother is wearing a washing basket on his head so he can hide.)

Brother: “WHY HAVE I SEEN THIS MOVIE THREE TIMES!?”

(I work at a popular chain restaurant as a chef. I overhear this conversation between waiters whilst cooking.)

Waiter #1: “Man, I really don’t want to work next weekend. Sunday’s my birthday, but it’s too late to ask for time off.”

Waiter #2: “Just tell him that working on Sunday is against your religion.”

Waiter #1: “Yeah, but I’m atheist. He’d never buy it.”

(My boss just happens to be standing behind them, having just come out of the office.)

Boss: “What’s this about religion?”

Waiter #2: “He can’t work this Sunday. He has to go to church.”

Boss: *rubs his face* “I know it’s your birthday. I saw your employee sheet. Take off…I’ll have someone cover for you.”

Waiter #1: “Praise Jesus!”

(I am calling my bank to let them know that I’ll be traveling abroad so they don’t shut down my card for suspected fraud.)

Employee: “…and where will you be going abroad?”

Me: “I’m going to London.”

Employee: “Oh, London. That’s cool. London is in Paris, right?”

Me: “Uh… no. London is in the UK.”

Employee: “What’s the UK?”

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