(I overhear some convention attendees when walking by a line.)

Attendee #1: “Hey, look, a line for something.”

Attendee #2: “What’s it for?”

Attendee #1: “I dunno. Let’s get in line!”

(Our store sells rats and mice for feeders. All customers who purchase them have to fill out a short sheet with their name, address, and phone number for our records. Our store reward cards can be found by entering a phone number.)

Me: “Alright, two male mice and [other item]. If you could please fill this out while I ring you up that would be great.”

(The customer stares blankly at the piece of paper.)

Me: *pushes paper closer* “We’ll just need this filled out for the mice for our files.”

Customer: “What is this?”

Me: “It’s a form that has to be filled out for all animals we sell; it is company policy.”

(The customer starts to get huffy.)

Customer: “I have lived in this area for nine years, and have never had to fill one of these out before!”

(She starts to fill it out, grumpily, sighing every few seconds, and complains the entire time, saying the policy is stupid and she doesn’t understand. When she reaches the portion where it asks for a phone number should we need to call the customer about the animal, she explodes.)

Customer: “There is NO F****** WAY I am giving you guys my phone number. This is freaking ridiculous; let me talk to a manager. I have lived here NINE YEARS and have never had to fill this out. This is a stupid policy, and I am not giving you guys my phone number to have on file!”

(I call a manager up and keep trying to diffuse the situation.)

Me: “That’s fine, ma’am. You can rightly refuse for the phone number. While we wait for my manager, do you have a rewards card?”

(The customer looks up at me and prattles off her phone number. I resist face-palming at her.)

(My teacher is out for a day due to personal circumstances. The substitute is rather… interesting.)

Substitute: “Alright, let’s get roll-call started. I am filling in for Mr. [Name] today; my name is written on the board. I do the roll-call rather interestingly, you can say either ‘present,’ or whatever interesting phrase you guys come up with. First up, [Classmate #1].”

Classmate #1: “Here?”

Substitute: “I said INTERESTING.”

Classmate #2: *sarcastically* “You’re a beautiful man, Mr. [Name].”

Substitute: “Perfect! So either present, or, ‘You’re a beautiful man, Mr. [Name].'”

(The substitute does not mark you present if you say anything other than those two things. The class got even weirder after that. We never saw him fill in for a teacher again at my school!)

(My boyfriend and I are cuddling.)

Boyfriend: *lets out a huge fart* “Sorry.”

Me: *lets out an equally large fart* “I’m not.”

(My boyfriend is about to go to school, and I’m sitting on the bed. He and I have about a foot difference in height.)

Me: “I want a cuddle!”

Boyfriend: “Heh, sure.” *bends down to embrace me*

Me: “Yes, that’s right. Bend to my will!”