(An outside consultant working in our department notices the box of doughnuts on my desk.)

Consultant: “What’s the occasion?”

Me: “It’s [Coworker]’s birthday. He brought them in.”

Consultant: “Wait, you bring treats for other people on your own birthday around here?!”

Me: “Yep. I guess we’re all hobbits!”

Consultant: “What you are is geeks.”

Me: “Says the man who did not ask me to explain the reference.”

Consultant: “…point.”

(It’s my 18th birthday, and I’m super excited to legally buy my first pack of smokes. As soon as I get up, I go to our local gas station literally right down the street.)

Me: *walks up to counter* “Hey, may I have a pack of Camel Blues and the blue American Spirits?”

Employee: “ID please?”

(I take out my ID and hand it to the employee. She looks at my ID for a few seconds, and then looks at me incredulously.)

Employee: “I’m sorry; I can’t sell these to you.”

Me: “What? Why not?”

Employee: “I don’t know what time you were born.”

Me: “I was born at 1:59 in the morning this day 18 years ago. What does that have to do with anything?”

Employee: *shrugs* “Sorry. I can’t sell them to you.”

Me: “Ma’am, technically, in the eyes of the state, I turned 18 yesterday. It says specifically on my license, ‘under 18 until x/x/xxx.’ That is today. I am allowed to buy cigarettes.”

Employee: *shrugs again* “Sorry.”

Me: “Whatever.”

(I leaves the gas station and go up the street to another and buy my cigarettes successfully. The other cashier even wishes me a happy birthday!)

(It’s my first day as an intern at a magazine publishing company. In order to ensure everything printed is accurate, I call to verify information. Currently I’m calling local business owners listed in our free directory to make sure they offer what we say they offer and they’re still open.)

Me: “Hello. My name is [Name] and I’m calling from [Magazine]. I just wanted to—”

Owner: “No, we don’t want any. I don’t want to pay for anything.”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, it’s a free listing, and I’m just calling to verify—”

Owner: “No! I don’t want to pay for anything!”

Me: “Again, ma’am, this is a free listing. I just wanted to verify some basic information about your business.”

Owner: “I don’t care what you want! I’m not paying for anything!”

Me: This doesn’t cost anything. It’s free. I just want to make sure you’re still located at [address].”

Owner: “I’m not going to tell you that!”

Me: “Ma’am, this is free advertising. If you’ll just let me—”

Owner: “No! I’m not giving you my credit card information!”

Me: “I’m not asking for any of that. I just want to verify your address.”

Owner: “No! I don’t care! I’m not giving you my credit card number or social security number! You’ve already scammed one of my employees!”

Me: “What? No, I just want to verify that you’re located at [address].”

Owner: “No! I’m not listening and I’m not giving you any of my numbers! I’m closing the shop! I’m closing!”

Me: “Oh, are you closing for the day or going out of business?”

Owner: “I’m closing! I’m not giving you my social security number! I’m closing!”

(The owner of the local business hangs up on me. I look over at my supervisor, who’s sitting behind me, confused as to what I should do.)

Supervisor: “She said she was closing?”

Me: “Yeah, after she accused me of trying to steal her social security number. But I don’t know if she meant they were closing for the day or going out of business.”

Supervisor: “Well, if they don’t want free advertising, cut ’em.”

(Two years later, I heard that business closed down for good. Maybe if they would have let us given them free advertising, we could have saved their store.)

(I’m at a board games convention, where a number of retailers have stalls. I go to one who is a franchisee of a parent company.)

Me: “I’d like to buy [Game], please.”

Seller: “Sure. It’s $90.00.”

Me: “On your email, it says it’s $65, on sale.”

Seller: “That’s only a one-day sale. You’ve missed it.”

Me: *opening the email on my phone* “No, it says it’s all week.”

Seller: “Oh. But it’s only on the online store.”

Me: “The email doesn’t indicate that. See, here’s the dates the sale is available for, and here’s the large colorful banner saying to come and see you at the convention for these sale prices.”

Seller: *shocked* “But… but no one ever reads the emails. Ever.”

Me: “I do. Do I need to contact your parent company and explain that you aren’t giving people the correct price?”

Seller: *panicked* “No. Here’s the game for $65, and I’ll give you any expansions for half price.”

(I am working near the registers, but I am not currently on register. Our return policy is printed on every receipt in clear, bold lettering.)

Customer: “Hey, I wanna return this CD and get all my money back.”

Me: “Sure thing, just let me call someone over and they can help you out.”

(I call my manager over to do the return and I go back to work.)

Customer: “They had better give me all my money back, or I’ll cause trouble.”

Manager: “What can I do for you today?”

Customer: “I wanna return this CD and get all my money back. Here is the receipt.”

Manager: “Alright, everything looks okay; can I see the item you want to return?”

(The customer hands over an unwrapped CD case.)

Manager: “I’m sorry, but I can only give you a refund on unopened merchandise. If the disk wasn’t playing I can replace it for you though.”

Customer: “No, you’re gonna give me all my money back, or I’m gonna file a lawsuit.”

Manager: “Go ahead and file a lawsuit. I don’t care. The return policy is on the receipt, and clearly says items must be unopened in their original packaging in order to be returned for a refund.”

Customer: “No, it doesn’t say that. Where does it say that?” *looks at his receipt* “D***.” *walks out*