(My husband and I are texting back and forth while I’m at work. He’s apparently watching ‘Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.’ It should be noted we’re big ‘Doctor Who’ fans.)

Husband: “Does the tent at the quidditch world cup mean that the Weasleys are time lords?

Me: “Bigger on the inside technology?”

Husband: “Yep.”

Me: “Well, it is the movie David Tennant appears in.”

Husband: “How does that work though? He’s the bad guy!”

Me: “I don’t know.”

Husband: “Is that why he helps people now? Because he did such terrible things as a death eater? Is the TARDIS his horcrux?”

Me: “Wow, babe.”

(I am a male, waiting for my boyfriend at a book shop, and use the time to strike up a conversation with two other patrons. At some point in the conversation, we mock Justin Bieber, and one of them calls him ‘gay.’)

Me: “You do realise I’m here waiting for my boyfriend, right?”

(They laugh nervously in embarrassment. I decide to alleviate the tension.)

Me: “And Justin Bieber is not gay! He’s dating Selena Gomez. If anything, he’s a lesbian.”

Me: “Come on, honey; you’re old enough to help with chores now. Why don’t you sweep the living room?”

My Six-Year-Old: “But Mommy, you don’t understand! You like doing chores; I don’t!”

(My dad’s aunt is visiting from Texas, and she wants to visit NYC, about two and a half hours away. My aunt, my grandmother, my mom, and I take a day trip up there. After walking a lot, my aunt stops and leans against a building with her hands on her knees, breathing heavily.)

Mom: “Are you okay?”

Great-Aunt: “Oh, I’m fine, just a little winded because of the altitude. I’m not used to being this far above sea level.”

(Another sister of theirs lives in Colorado, so I assume that’s how she got it in her head that being out of breath in another state is the same as thinner air.)

Me: “But we’re at sea level, on an island. The ocean is right over there.”

Great-Aunt: “Oh, no, honey; we’re much higher up here than at home.”

Grandmother: *totally serious* “Right, because if you look at a map, Texas is down here, and New York is way up here!”

(When we get home, I look up the actual altitudes just for kicks. According to Google, New York City is 33 feet above sea level. Houston? 43 feet.)

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(My brother’s girlfriend is visiting. Since neither of them has a car, I end up driving them to the mall. As we are leaving, they decide to get some soft pretzels to eat on the way home. My brother’s girlfriend is gluten-intolerant, meaning she can only have a certain amount of wheat in a day.)

Girlfriend: “Okay, I’m done with these. You can have the rest.”

Brother: “Oh, you’re not hungry?”

Girlfriend: “No, I just have had enough wheat for one day.”

Brother: “Pretzels have wheat in them?”

Me: *laughing* “What did you think pretzels were made out of?”

Brother: “Crackers?”

(Both his girlfriend and I are laughing.)

Me: “Okay, even if pretzels were made out of crackers — which they aren’t — where did you think crackers came from?”

Brother: “…cracker trees?”

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