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So Dumb It Hurts

, , , , | Right | August 11, 2008

(I work at a vet’s office and am giving a woman and her three children basic grooming information for their new puppy. The conversation has already been going on for an hour.)

Me: “…the groomers can do different ‘cuts’ or ‘styles’ for your dog, depending on how you want him to look.”

Customer: “Will that hurt?”

Me: “Will what hurt?”

Customer: “Cutting him. Will it hurt when you cut him?”

Me: “No… it’s not cutting HIM; it’s just cutting his fur.”

Customer: “Oh… but will that hurt?”

Me: “No… it’s hair.”

Customer: “Are you sure it won’t hurt when you cut it?”

Me: “It’s just like when you get your own hair cut. Does it hurt when you get your hair cut?”

Customer: *looks confused*

Me: “Okay… well, no, it won’t hurt.”

(I then go on to other aspects of grooming… clipping toenails, cleaning the ears, etc.)

Me: “…you can clean the puppy’s ears if they get dirty, or just whenever you give him a bath.”

(I go over the ear cleaning process.)

Customer: “Will it hurt? ”

Me: “No… he may not like it and may shake his head, but it shouldn’t hurt. Just make sure you don’t stick anything, like a Q-Tip, into his ear.”

Customer: “Okay, so how do I do that?”

(I go over the ear cleaning process again.)

Me: “…and again, just whenever you give him a bath…”

Customer: “Okay, how do I do that? ”

Me: “Well, there are several different shampoos you can use…”

Customer: “But how do I do that?”

Me: “You mean… how do you actually give him a bath?”

Customer: “Yes, how do I do that?”

Me: “Just like you’d bathe your kids… The puppy’s small, so you can bathe him in the sink, or in the bathtub…”

Customer: “But how do I bathe him?”

(At this point, I look at the woman’s three children and wonder how they’ve survived their mother.)

Me: “Umm… you put water on him… Err… You know, we have full-service grooming here. It includes a bath. We’ll do everything for you: cut his toenails, clean his ears, trim his hair…”

Customer: “But we don’t want to hurt him. Will a bath hurt?”

Me: “It’s WATER!”


This story is part of our Take Your Dog To The Vet roundup!

Read the next Take Your Dog To The Vet roundup story!

Read the Take Your Dog To The Vet roundup!

Your Prank Got Spanked

| Right | August 11, 2008

(This happened to a friend of mine who owns a gun shop.)

Friend: “Hello, this is–”

Caller: *twelve year old sounding voice* “Your mom!”

Friend: “What?”

Caller: “What your mom said.”

Friend: “A prank caller are we?”

Caller: *mocking tone* “A prank caller are we?”

Friend: “Do your parents know what you’re doing? Because I have caller ID and I can call them back later.”

Caller: “My parents are out of town… duuuhhh!”

Friend: “You must have absolutely no idea what kind of store you just called, then.”

Caller: “A GAY store?”

(My friend puts the phone down and opens the locker behind the counter and retrieves a shotgun. He holds it next to the phone and pumps the action.)

Friend: “Can you guess now?”

Caller: “…”

Friend: “You know, your caller ID gave me a first and last name. All I need to do is open a phone book and I can find your address.”

Caller: *click*

That Was Random

, , | Right | August 11, 2008

Me: “Good afternoon! What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “I’ll have a [frozen coffee drink], please.”

Me: “Alrighty, that’s gonna run you $3.42.”

Customer: “Alright.” *begins to dig around in her purse*

Me: “I’m going to go ahead and get this started for you.”

(As I start to make the drink, I turn to look at the woman and notice that she is slowly making her way behind the counter.)

Me: “Uh, ma’am…”

(The woman proceeds to walk behind the counter, walk to a sink, wash her hands, wipe her hands, throw the paper towel away, and then walk right back around the counter and straight out the door. As my coworkers and I attempt to figure out what just happened, we watch her walk by the drive-thru window, around the building, around the building NEXT to our store, and then back into the store. The woman then approaches the counter.)

Customer: “So, what do I owe you?”

Me: “Uh, $3.42, please.”

Customer: “Sure.”

(An incredibly awkward silence follows.)

Customer: “So, what just happened?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “What just happened?”

Me: “I’m really not sure, ma’am!”

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman With Fake Stones

, , , , | Right | August 10, 2008

(A woman comes up to the counter with a tennis bracelet.)

Customer: “I’d like to have this professionally cleaned, please.”

Me: “We’d be happy to do that for you. Can you give me the value so that we can put that on the form for insurance?”

Customer: “Of course. It’s worth $15,000.”

Me: “Ma’am, for such a high value, I’ll need to verify that these are actually diamonds.”

Customer: “Of course they’re real diamonds! My husband gave that to me for our anniversary, and said it was diamonds!”

(I go and get our diamond tester from the back. If the stones are diamonds, the machine will beep. I test the bracelet in front of her. It doesn’t beep.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but these are more than likely cubic zirconia, and the highest value I could insure this bracelet for is $2,000.”

Customer: “I don’t believe you! Your machine must be broken!”

(I reach into the display case, and pull out a diamond ring. I silently test multiple stones, and the machine beeps as it should.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s functioning properly. We’ll be happy to send your bracelet out for cleaning, but will only be able to insure it for $2,000.”

(The woman’s face at this point is so contorted with rage she looks like she’s going to pop. She snatches the bracelet up and runs out of the store.)

Manager: “I’d like to be a fly on the wall, when he gets home!”

Horizontal Distance, Loopy Thinking

, , , , | Right | August 10, 2008

Me: “Good evening, thanks for calling [Hotel]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation. I’m with the [Name] wedding party.”

(I take down his information for dates he’ll be staying and size of beds. Then, we get to the type of room…)

Me: “And would you like a standard room, or would you prefer poolside, or could I interest you in a suite or other luxury room?”

Customer: “I want a standard room. It needs to be near an elevator, because my wife has back problems.”

Me: “We also have rooms on the ground floor with parking directly outside, which would be much less walking.”

Customer: “No. I want it near an elevator.”

Me: “Sir–”

Customer: “It’s about the horizontal distance.”

Me: “Sir, there is no parking near the elevators, and it would be farther for her to walk to the elevator.”

Customer: “She can take elevators. It’s about the horizontal distance.”

Me: “Yes, sir. I understand, but we have rooms on the ground floor with parking directly outside. It would be much closer than if you had to park and then take the elevator.”

Customer: “I want to be near the elevator!”

(I put him in one of the standard ground floor rooms anyway with adjacent parking, for the sake of his wife.)