(The classroom across the hall has left their door open, so I can hear what’s happening in French History.)

Professor: “…and what do you have on Tuesday?”

Class: “An exam!”

Professor: “So, what will you do this weekend?”

Class: “Study!”

Professor: “And what will happen if you don’t study?”

Class: “La guillotine!”

(My little sister and I attend the same college. She’s a sophomore and I’m a grad student. The class I am a TA for meets in the lecture hall right after my sister’s class gets out, so from time to time I talk to her as she leaves. One day after she leaves, a student in my class comes up to me.)

Student: “Ay [My Name], I saw you chattin’ with that fine a** b****. You hittin’ that?”

Me: “Uhh, no I’m not.”

Student: “Are you trying to hit that?”

Me: “No, because—”

Student: “Well s***, man, if you ain’t gettin’ after that, gimme her number.”

Me: “I don’t think so.”

Student: “What do you mean no? You can’t just hog a hot girl and not try to get it in. Gimme one good reason why not, man!”

Me: *getting right in his face* “Because that’s my little sister, and she has standards.”

(The student’s face goes pale and he backs away slowly. For the rest of the semester, he didn’t say another word to me and made as little eye contact with me as possible.)

(I’m with a few of my friends, chatting with [Friend #1]. He and [Friend #2] have been dating for several months.)

Friend #1: “Man, I really like [Friend #2]. I want to ask her out, but I don’t know if I can work up the courage.”

Me: *playing along* “Y’know, I think you’ve got a real chance there.”

Friend #1: “Really? Do you think I should just ask her out?”

Me: “Totally.”

Friend #1: *leaning over me* “Hey [Friend #2], I don’t know if you know this, but I really like you. Do you want to go out some time?”

Friend #2: “I would love to! How about tomorrow?”

Me: “Ugh, you two are so cute.”

(About ten minutes later…)

Friend #1: “So, have you heard about that [Friend #2] girl?”

Me: *playing along again* “Yeah. She’s super sweet. I once overheard her talking about how she thought you were cute.”

Friend #1: “Really? I’ve wanted to ask her out for a while now.”

Me: “I say just go for it.”

Friend #1: “Should I go and just kiss her on the mouth right now?”

Me: “Go and just kiss her on the mouth right now.”

(He does.)

Friend #3: “Get a f****** room!”

(I’m not exactly the social type, so I tend to sit on my own and not get into many conversations. However, my class consists mostly of guys who aren’t exactly the brightest.)

Guy #1: “Hey, have you seen [Other Student]’s YouTube videos of him and his girlfriend?”

Guy #2: “Nah, they any good?”

Guy #1: “I f****** hate them. He spends way too much time with her, man! He’s such a f****** gay!”

(My boyfriend and I are out at a restaurant and bar for our six-month anniversary. I am feeling a little nauseous, and my boyfriend offers to help me out of my corset, which I am wearing under my dress. We explain things to the bartender, and go into the single cubicle unisex toilet. After removing the corset, we exit the toilet together, him holding the item of underwear. A surprised-looking gentleman is on the other side of the door.)

Me: “It’s not what it looks like.”

(Once we are sitting back down at the table, I start laughing.)

Boyfriend: “What is it?”

Me: “I’ve always wanted to say that!”