(I’m a speech therapist working on the “V” sound with a first grade student.)

Me: “Make up a sentence with the word ‘vampire’ in it.”

Student: “I’m a vampire, and I do not sparkle. If I go into the sun, I die.”

(I gave the student a high-five after I stopped laughing. Faith in the future generation: restored.)

(I have a reputation at school for being a know-it-all. In my History class, we are learning the history of medicine.)

Student #1: “Sir, how do you spell chloroform?”

(The teacher proceeds to write on the board, ‘choloform.’)

Student #1: “That can’t be right.”

Teacher: “No. It is. Trust me.”

Student #2: “That says ‘choloform.'”

(Another student turns to me.)

Student #1: “How do you spell it, [My Name]?”

Me: “C-H-L-O-R-O-F-O-R-M.”

(The student who asked the question seems satisfied and returns to writing. The teacher seems indignant about being corrected. He proceeds to get a dictionary out and looks up the word.)

Teacher: *to me* “Hmm. Well done.”

Student #1: “How do you spell ‘anesthetic?'”

(The teacher begins to write on the board again, pausing halfway through the word, but managing to complete it correctly. The class turns and looks at me. I nod.)

(My girlfriend has just texted me a long list of things she wants me to pick up.)

Girlfriend: “Please get me those things and I will give you a million kisses.”

Me: “If you give me a million kisses, just pecks, you know that would take you like 11.5 days. Right?

Girlfriend: “So?”

Me: “Just saying. That’s a lot of time. Are you prepared for 11.5 days of kissing? I need an answer.”

Girlfriend: “Yes.”

Me: “Yay! I think I got a ‘Not Always Romantic!'”

(My boyfriend has problems admitting his true feelings. I am totally taken aback when he initiates the following exchange.)

Boyfriend: “If me getting up before noon doesn’t say, ‘I love you,’ nothing ever will.”

Me: *nonplussed* “Are you actually saying that, or are you being facetious?”

Boyfriend: “It was supposed to be funny.”

Me: “Okay. I was going to start looking for pods.”

Boyfriend: “But I really will rise before noon for you. So it’s factual.”

Me: “For what it’s worth, I’d get up before 9 am for you.”

Boyfriend: “Well, there we have it. You love me exactly three hours more than I love you.”

(I am typing and try to input a Euro symbol, usually Ctrl-Alt-4. It doesn’t work. Instead it somehow changes my keyboard format from Irish to US. My fiancé works in IT repair and tech support.)

Me: “[Fiancé’s Name]…”

Fiancé: “What?”

Me: “I somehow managed to change my keyboard to US format.”

Fiancé: “Click ‘start.’”

(He talks me through the change.)

Me: “Thank you.”

Fiancé: “What good am I to you if I can’t do tech support?”

Me: “And that’s why we can never really get divorced!”

Fiancé: “Because you don’t want to pay for support?”

Me: “Yep!”