(I have a professor in college who was well known for his elaborate Halloween costumes. I am walking across campus to class. Someone dressed in red high heels, a coat with plastic puppies sewn to it, a knee length dress, a black and white wig, and a cigarette holder approaches me.)

Professor: “Hello, [My Name]!”

Me: *not sure who it is* “Um… Hi?”

(I stared at this person and it suddenly clicked that it’s my professor. He just walked away as I gaped, open mouthed, at him. I got to class early to watch as my classmates stopped dead in the doorway, staring at the professor before hurriedly going to sit. The best part? My professor taught class dressed as Cruella De Ville as though he dressed like that every day. Best. Professor. Ever.)

Teacher: “Okay, this week we’re going to be teaching about animal teeth and how they vary depending on what the animal eats. We’ll be using the various skulls I have so you students can get a hands-on look at the teeth. Each group is going to need the skull of a herbivore, carnivore, and omnivore. I’ll start assigning those now.”

Student: “Cool. Is this one a horse?”

Teacher: “Yes. That one’s Heidi. We had to have her put down about five years ago.”

(It turned out all three of the horse skulls she had were from horses she had actually owned, and she could still recognize which was which. Whenever they died she’d put the head in a tank with some flesh-eating insects and let them clean the skull off. To this day she’s still the coolest teacher I’ve ever had.)

(I am in my first day of freshman English. Our professor, who stands six foot one and has his head shaved, is famed throughout the college for his pranks.)

Professor: “And do NOT let a cell phone ring in my class. You will regret it.”

(Two weeks into class, a girl’s phone rings in her bag.)

Professor: “Ooh, a phone! Let me answer! Let me answer!”

(He jumps up and down beside the girl’s desk like a little kid, holding out his hand for the phone. Looking like she wants to sink through the floor, the girl digs her phone out and passes it over.)

Girl: “It’s my boyfriend…”

Professor: “Oh, even better!” *answers phone* “Hello? No, it’s not a wrong number. She’s right here. Of course you can talk to her. Hey, honey, roll over!”

(Most of us lose it at this point as the professor, beaming broadly, passes the phone back to the girl. Cringing, she holds it up to her ear and squeaks out five words.)

Girl: “Can I call you back?”

(We were uninterrupted by phones for the remainder of the semester.)

(I am texting my long distance boyfriend about his Christmas present. I had it sent by courier as it’s expensive.)

Me: “So, has it arrived yet?”

Boyfriend: “No. I’m so excited. Look at my excited face! :DDDDDDDD”

Me: “That’s a lot of D’s…”

Boyfriend: “There’s no time for D’s baby! It’s here!”

Me: “Good I hope you love it!”

Boyfriend: “OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! AN XBOX ONE?! There’s something I need to talk to you about… I think we should see other people :/”

(I ignored his text as I knew he’s only playing, and went to shower. When I got back I had multiple missed calls and texts from him, all saying he was joking and begging me to forgive him! One even said he’d give up his new Xbox if I’d reply to him!)

(My girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship: she lives in New York, USA, I live in London, England. We’re talking online and I’m trying to persuade her to save her battery when she’s travelling in the car.)

Me: “Don’t drain your battery for me.”

Girlfriend: “I want to though!”

Me: “Nooo!”

Me: “What if you get in a car crash and you can’t call an ambulance because you wasted your battery on me?”

Girlfriend: “Babe, it’s fine.”

Me: “Then you’d be dead and it would be my fault.”

Girlfriend: “Worst case scenario, baby.”

Me: “But it could happen.”

Girlfriend: “Honestly! My mom has a phone, too. You know?”

Me: “But, still.”

Me: “Promise me you won’t die?”

Girlfriend: “I can’t promise that. But I promise to stay safe.”

Me: “No! You have to promise to ascend above your mortality and become an immortal being akin to deities!”

Girlfriend: “…You weren’t supposed to know I could do that.”