(My husband is in school and I’m working full time so we are seeing much less of each other than we used to.)

Me: “I hate it. I feel like we are acquaintances who occasionally pass each other in the hallway.”

Husband: “We have too much sex for that.”

Me: “Does that mean there is an acceptable amount of sex to have with an acquaintance you occasionally pass in the hall?”

(The day after Valentine’s Day I’m watching my new-ish boyfriend fold his laundry. One of his roommates is female and sometimes her clothes get mixed up with his.)

Boyfriend: *holds up VERY tiny thong* “Hers, or yours?”

Me: “Hers.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I thought you had more class than that.” *holds up more very skimpy underwear* “Hers?”

Me: *embarrassed* “Mine.”

Boyfriend: “Wha?”

Me: “Yeah, I was going to wear sexy panties for you for Valentine’s Day. But then… disaster struck.”

Boyfriend: *takes a minute to figure it out* “Oh. I’m going to go get you some Advil and some chocolate.”

Me: “Yay, I have you trained!”

(My family is planning a trip to Disney World, so we get a DVD in the mail that helps show everything you can do. We’ve been there many times but still watch the DVD anyway. Currently, we’re watching a bit about their water parks.)

DVD: “And there are plenty of fun areas for your little squirts!”

Sister: “That’s such a gross word. ‘Squirts.’ Why do they even call kids that?”

Mom: “Because of all the pee they’re squirting in those pools.”

(My four-year-old brother is happily playing with my mom, when she excuses herself to go to the bathroom.)

Mom: “I’ll be right back. I have to go to the bathroom.”

Brother: “Why can’t Daddy go for you?!”

(I am the oldest of four kids and at my youngest sister’s friend’s birthday party. As most of the small children guests and their parents have gone home, I finally go in the bouncy house. Please note that I have been waiting most of my life to do this, and no children were harmed.)

Me: *sitting patiently on top of bouncy house slide*

Sister: *climbing ladder* “[My Name], move!”

Me: *puts hands on my sister’s shoulders* “Long live the king!”

(I then proceed to push her off the ladder, cackling wildly.)