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Dr. Doolittle’s House Of Style

, , | Right | March 11, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Cosmetics]. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you today?”

Caller: “Do you test your product on animals?”

Me: “No, ma’am, we do not.”

Caller: “Not even on unicorns?”

Me: “Uhh… no.”

Caller: “What about mongooses?”

Me: “No.”

Caller: “Dogs?”

Me: “No.”

Caller: “Then how do you test your products?”

Me: “I believe they’re tested by using clinical trials.”

Caller: “So, you don’t test your product on animals?”

Me: “No, we do not.”

Caller: “That’s great! Bye!” *hangs up*

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Ed Begley Jr. Starts To Cut Back

, , , | Right | March 11, 2009

Me: “Would you like paper or plastic?”

Customer: “Oh, I’d like one of those nice canvas bags, please.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You know, one of those reusable canvas bags. Like the ones that she’s got!” *points to the next customer in line*

Me: “Uh, well, we don’t have those here, unfortunately. All we’ve got is paper or plastic. If you want a canvas bag, you’d have to buy one and bring it yourself.”

Customer: “What a load of crap! Why should I want to save the environment if I have to pay to do it?!”


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More Than A Few Crossed Wires

, , , | Right | March 11, 2009

Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, can you tell me how to get to your store? I’m coming from the north end of the city.”

Me: “Okay, you’ll need to head south on 14th Street–”

Caller: “Whoa whoa whoa… slow down, you’re going too fast.”

Me: “Okay, sorry. You will need to head south–”

Caller: “Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice! Now explain it to me like a civil human being, and tell me how to get to your f****** store!”

Me: “…I’m sorry, ma’am. If you just head south–”

Caller: “What in God’s name is wrong with you? All I want to do is get to your f****** store so I can get some f****** music! Is that so d*** much to ask for? Look, young lady, I just got out of brain surgery and I can’t deal with your bull-s*** right now. You need to talk slowly to me. Okay, forget it, you’re wasting my time. I’ll find my way there myself! *hangs up*

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Guidance Counseling, Customer Style

, , , | Right | March 11, 2009

(I’m finishing a long transaction for a supermarket customer.)

Customer: “You realise that you didn’t say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ throughout all of that?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I thought I did.”

Customer: “Do you go to college or is this your full-time job?!’

Me: “I go to college, but–”

Customer: “GOOD! DON’T DO THIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY CRAP AT IT!”

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Taking The Supersizing Thing Too Far

, , | Right | March 11, 2009

(A customer is withdrawing several hundred dollars in cash.)

Me: “So, how would you like the cash today?”

Customer: “Um, I’ll take it all in the largest bills you have.”

Me: “So, hundreds, then?”

Customer: “Yeah, a few hundreds, and then some 500 and 1000 dollar bills as well.”

Me: “Oh, the largest denomination we have is hundreds…”

Customer: “You see, this is exactly the type of thing that makes me not want to bank with you guys!”

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