(During a discussion with a friend over superheroes and secret identities, my boyfriend turns to me.)

Boyfriend: “No offense, but if I was Batman, I wouldn’t tell you.”

(My new kitten has started destroying stuff in my bedroom. As such, I don’t allow her to be in my room at all, and I keep a squirt bottle of water handy to dissuade her when she tries to sneak in. This happens as my boyfriend and I are settling into bed.)

Boyfriend: “Hun, the cat is in here again.”

(I grab the squirt bottle and give her two quick sprays. The second one hits her in mid-air after the first one made her jump.)

Boyfriend: “Nice shootin’, Tex! The second one caught her on the jump!”

Me: *as I’m climbing back into bed* “Oh, it’s no big deal. Just like shooting womp rats in my T-16 back home.”

(My boyfriend sits stunned for a minute, then enthusiastically pounces on me and kisses me.)

Boyfriend: “Holy c**p, you’re the best girlfriend ever! I freakin’ love you!”

Me: “I know.”

(I am skyping with my boyfriend in my college dorm. We’re in a long distance relationship, and talking about when I come to visit him.)

Me: *talking about our two-year anniversary* “I have a gift that I’m gonna give you when I come down next week.”

Boyfriend: “Oooh, what is it?”

Me: “Nothing big. Oh, and it’s something you can wear!”

(There is a long pause. Then, at the same time we both say:)

Boyfriend: “Is it lingerie?”

Me: “And it’s not lingerie!”

(Neither of us say anything for a minute, and then we both crack up. I definitely found a keeper.)

(My boyfriend and I are taking a shower together. I notice he keeps putting his hands on me: on my shoulders, on my hips, around my waist.)

Me: “You really love touching me, huh?”

Boyfriend: “No. You’re just so clumsy I wouldn’t put it past you to slip and fall and break your neck.”

(I’m the black sheep of the family, as I identify myself as agnostic, while the rest of my family is deeply religious. We’ve all gathered together for my grandfather’s funeral. A bit of a crisis has erupted: we’re having trouble finding a pastor to speak at the funeral.)

Brother: “See? This is why you need to go to church, if for no other reason than we don’t run into this problem when your time comes.”

Me: “When my time comes, you can seek out a former coworker of mine named [Name]. He left the radio station to join the priesthood, and we’re still good friends. He’s rather progressive, too, so I hope you don’t mind that he quotes Star Wars in his sermons. If you can’t find him, just get in touch with either the Mormon church, the Lutheran church, the United Church, or the Anglican church in my hometown. I’ve done so much charity work for them though my job at the radio station, that they’ve all welcomed me into their flocks. And, if all of those churches say no, don’t forget that I went to [well-known religious college]. Get in touch with their ministerial department, and I’m sure they’ll be able to spare someone for an alumni like myself.”

Brother: “Oh. I didn’t know you did so much work with the church.”

Me: “And, if all those options fail…” *looking my brother in the eye* “I’m certain my brother, who does go to church every Sunday, will be able to say a few words.”

(My brother turns beet red, and changes the subject.)