(I work as a cashier. One evening, two customers walk into the store and ask for an exchange. One of the men walks around the store to find what he wants while his friend stays with me. We make small talk while he waits.)

Customer’s Friend: “You’d make a good manager here.”

Me: “Thanks, but I don’t think so. I don’t have enough experience here.”

Customer’s Friend: “You shouldn’t say that about yourself. You’re a wonderful person.”

Me: “Thank you. But I’ve only worked here for less than a year. I don’t think corporate would let me become a manager yet.”

Customer’s Friend: “Stop that! You can do anything you want.”

(At that moment, the customer’s friend returns to the counter. His friend goes over to the other counter to wait with him as one of my managers processes the return. Just as they’re about to leave…)

Customer’s Friend: “You have to stop being so negative about yourself. It’s not good.”

Me: “Okay, sir. I won’t.”

Customer’s Friend: “I’m serious. Don’t self-defecate!”

Me: “… I won’t, sir. I promise.”

(I had to wait until they left before I could start laughing. I’m sure his intentions were good, and that he meant to say ‘deprecate’, but his small mistake made my night.)

(I work in a TV shop. We take calls for sales and tech support.)

Caller: “No. It still won’t work”

Me: “Okay. Try pressing menu.”

Caller: “There is no menu button.”

Me: “Try going to channel 123 and tell me what the screen looks like. You should see the numbers appear in the top right corner.”

Caller: *beep* *beep* *beep*

Caller: “No, still nothing.”

Me: “Just try pressing ‘1.’”

Caller: *beep*

Me: “Um… you’re pressing the numbers on your telephone. You need to press them on your TV remote.”

Related:
Not Even Remotely Close, Part 3
Not Even Remotely Close, Part 2
Not Even Remotely Close

Me: “Hi. What can I get you today?”

Customer: “Give me a six-inch parmesan oregano.”

Me: “Certainly, and what would you like on that?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “You’ve told me what bread and size you want. You still need to tell me what filling you want for your sandwich.”

Customer: “Just the parmesan oregano.”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s a kind of bread. What meat or vegetables do you want me to put in it?”

Customer: “Why are you making this difficult?! I just want a six-inch parmesan oregano sandwich!”

Me: “Ma’am, let me make this clear: that is a kind of bread. It is a wheat loaf that has been prepared with parmesan cheese and oregano, the latter of which is an herb. However, there are no additional cheeses or herbs in it to fulfill the definition of ‘sandwich,’ and I have no idea whether we’re even allowed to sell just bread. Now, what filling would you like for your sandwich, which will be made using your chosen six-inch parmesan oregano loaf?”

Customer: “… Oregano isn’t a kind of meat?”

(A customer comes into the store three days after Black Friday.)

Customer: “Yeah. I’m looking for that [Brand] TV you had for Black Friday.”

Me: “The exclusive one that we carry?”

Customer: “I think so.”

Me: “The door buster deal that no other competitor could beat?”

Customer: “Sounds like the one.”

Me: “The product that 1,000 people got in line for days in advance in order to be the first and only ones to get it?”

Customer: “Yep, that’s th— Oh… ”

Me: “Yeah… About that…”

Customer: “Yeah. Never mind.”

This story is part of our Black Friday roundup!

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Customer: “Do you have toast?”

Me: “No, ma’am. We—”

Customer: *points to greeter* “But SHE said I could have breakfast, so I want breakfast.”

Me: “Even though it’s lunch time, we serve pancakes, bacon, and oatmeal all day. Would you like—”

Customer: “You must be NEW because you don’t know ANYTHING!”

Manager: “We also have some breakfast burritos left if you’d like those.”

Customer: “Ring me up for PANCAKES, then. Pan… CAKES. She said breakfast. I want breakfast!”

Me: “Would you like syrup—”

Customer: “YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING! PANCAKES. I WANT PANCAKES.”

(Luckily, her pancakes come up pretty quickly, and she yanks the tray out of my manager’s hands.)

Customer: “SEE? Now you KNOW SOMETHING.”

Me: *to manager* “I am now aware that we have pancakes. I now have edumacation. I are smart.”

Manager: “You can leave early if you want…”