(I am working as a hostess. Suddenly, a rush comes in and I have to seat many tables at once. Eventually, my hostess stand dies down and a customer I seated twenty minutes ago approaches me.)

Customer: “Hi, I know you’re not a server, but no one has been by to see us. Can you help us?”

Me: “I’m so sorry. I’ll try to find your server.”

(I rush around trying to find her, but she is nowhere to be found.)

Me: “I’m sorry. I can’t find her, but if you’re ready, I’ll take your order and have someone put it in the system for me.”

(I take their order and go to the manager.)

Manager: “You’re a host, you don’t take tables. Know your place.”

Me: “They asked me to help them. No one greeted them. Can you just enter their order?”

(For the rest of their time there, they have to come to the host stand, which is right next to their table, to ask me for refills, napkins, etc. A server never shows up. Finally, the girl who should have been serving them drops off their check and wishes them a nice day. The customer approaches me with the bill.)

Customer: “So, that server’s name is on our check. But she didn’t do anything to help us. She won’t get our tips, will she? We want to tip you.”

Me: “I’m really not sure, but you don’t have to do that. I was just trying to help.”

(They insist on tipping me. Two of them tip me in cash, one leaves a hefty credit card tip, which the absent server pockets. The table asks to see a manager about the neglect and unfairness.)

Manager: “If it’s to tell me what a good job you did, I don’t want to hear it.” *walks off*

(Later in the day, the same server neglects another table. They flag me down just to ask what beers we have on tap. I go to the manager to ask.)

Manager: “STOP TAKING TABLES! YOU’RE JUST A NOBODY HOSTESS!”

(A customer from yet another table overhears and comes over.)

Customer #2: “Yes. She is a hostess, and I wish I’d been seated closer to her stand because I’d have gotten a lot better service from her than my actual server. You should be rewarding her, not berating her for going above and beyond her position!”

(That customer and the rest of her party get up and walk out promising to complain to corporate. The manager was demoted and I finally got promoted to a server. I did such a good job that the general manager begged me not to go when I quit a year later!)

(It’s lunch time, and Coworker #1 has promised to go get Coworker #2 her lunch because he is the only one with a working car at the moment. Coworker #2 has asked to have lunch from a well known fast food chain. Coworker #2 is a woman nearing retirement.)

Coworker #1: “So you just want a hamburger and a shake?”

Coworker #2: “Yeah, that’s about it.”

Coworker #1: “So do you want that regular or animal style?”

Coworker #2: “Honey, I haven’t had animal style for a long, long time. Probably the last time Elvis was here.”

(It took the rest of our lunch to stop laughing.)

(My coworker has a bill collection agency that illegally calls her at work every day trying to speak with her after being told repeatedly to stop. They call for her after she has left for the day and I answer the phone.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I help you?”

Collector: “I need to speak with [Coworker], please. Does she work today?”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t answer that for you, ma’am. If you call tomorrow between the hours of seven and three, the manager will be able to give you more information.”

Collector: “Thank you.”

(She hangs up. Before I can leave the phone, it rings again and the same number comes up.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I help you?”

Collector: “I need to speak to [Coworker] and your manager. The last b*** I spoke to on the phone was very rude to me.”

Me: “Uhm… Well, lady, since this is the same ‘b****’ you just got off the phone with, no. No, I don’t believe I’ll be getting anyone important to talk to you.”

(I hang up. The phone rings again seconds later, again from the same number.)

Me: “[Store].”

Collector: “I need to speak to your manager.”

(I hang up again. The phone rings a FOURTH TIME. I yell at another coworker.)

Me: “[Coworker]! Answer it with the whorehouse!”

Coworker: *excited* “Really?!” *he answers the phone* “[City] whorehouse. You got the dough, we got the ho!”

(They haven’t called back since.)

(My Muslim coworker from Bangladesh has brought in food for lunch for our group. Afterwards she and I are talking about ethnic foods and meat content. She brought up how a lot of Indian food doesn’t have meat because the Muslim population doesn’t eat pork and the Hindu population doesn’t eat beef.)

Me: “Yeah, Indian is the only type of food that I really enjoy vegetarian entrees. Most other foods are boring without meat.”

Coworker: “Oh, I know! I can’t eat a meal without meat in it!”

Me: “Yeah. Me, too. I’m a cannibal.”

(There is what feels like a long pause as I realize what I said, when what I’d meant to say was carnivore. Embarrassed beyond belief, and hoping nobody in our very open environment overheard and thought I was serious, she asks:)

Coworker: “Cannibal means you eat meat, right?”

(English is not her native language, and I can understand how cannibal might not be in her vocabulary yet. I quickly correct myself and explain the meaning of carnivore vs. cannibal, with a little explanation of herbivore and omnivore for good measure. Once I finally shut up and look to see if she understands, she comes up with the best response possible.)

Coworker: “Well, it’s still meat.”

(I work in an electronics store that has been having a huge sale on TVs. One customer calls asking about a model that we just sold out of.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We’re sold out of that model right now.”

Caller: “Oh, that’s too bad.”

(At this point I hear a noise in the background. It sounded like someone shouting.)

Background: “What’s wrong?”

Caller: “They don’t have any.”

Background: “Why not? It’s in the ad!”

Caller: “They sold out.”

Background: “What?! Why did they do that?”

Caller: “Why did the- What?”

(He makes several noises, as if he’s struggling to understand her question. He apparently fails.)

Background: “Why did they sell them all?”

Caller: “Seriously? That’s what they DO! They sell things!”

Background: “ALL of them?”

Caller: “YES!”

Background: “Well, that doesn’t make any sense!”

(This goes on for another 10 MINUTES, and I am unable to will myself to hang up. Three coworkers and two managers have also picked up the line and listen as well, before the call abruptly drops, much to everyone’s disappointment.)