(My husband & I met online through a zombie game, so zombies are a natural part of our life. We even had a bride & groom with guns on top of the wedding cake fighting the zombies off. However, I HATE camping, so we’ve decided that I’ll be screwed if the zombie apocalypse happens.)

Me: “Lovey, if this was the zombie apocalypse, what would we do?”

Husband: “You won’t even camp… You wouldn’t survive a day! So I’ll use you for bait instead.”

Me: “What if we find a building to hole up in that still has running water and toilets?”

Husband: “Nope. Still bait.”

(My husband has just finished buckling our three-year-old into his car seat when we hear him shout to no one in particular.)

Three-year-Old: “I can’t go back to jail!”

(My aunts are discussing ‘Twilight’ and I have the bad luck of walking in on it.)

Aunt #1: “I always thought Jacob would’ve been better for Bella.”

Aunt #2: “You’re Team Jacob? Terrible.”

Aunt #1: “Hey, Edward’s creepy.”

Aunt #2: “He is not! [My Name], what do you think? Edward or Jacob?”

Me: *deer in headlights for about five seconds* “Uh…” *dramatic tone* “Lestaaaaat. TEAM LESTAAAAAT! NO FAIRIES! AAAAAAHHH! THE SPARKLES BURN! YOU’VE CONTAMINATED MY MIND!” *hisses and runs away*

Aunt #2: *blink* “Oh…kay, then…”

(Fortunately, they have never talked about ‘Twilight’ in my presence again.)

(My family and I, while traveling, have stopped at a very busy local restaurant. We are seated quickly, but then totally ignored. In spite of several attempts to flag down a server, we still get no help. After observing a family that has come in after us pay and leave, we decide that we would take our business elsewhere. While at a small hotdog stand, I related what had happened to us.)

Hotdog Stand Owner: “They give me more business. You have to be a local to get served there.”

Me: “Well, that’s interesting, as they are a major truck stop with billboards on the freeway…”

(We have a sale on just after Christmas. All stock is 40% off but IT gets it wrong and discount items even more. Coworkers go mad after closing to buy stuff.)

Coworker #1: “Hey, [My Name], what do you think of this handbag?”

Me: “Um, it’s ugly.”

Coworker #1: “But I really want to buy a bag when they are so discounted!”

(Coworker #2 walks up.)

Coworker #1: “Hey, [Coworker #2], what do you think of this bag?”

Coworker #2: “It’s ugly.”

Coworker #1: “Yeah, I know it’s ugly, but the lining fabric inside is really nice, and I will be looking inside it more often than looking at the outside. And they are only $11.99!”

Coworker #2: “REALLY?” *dives into the bags to choose several ugly handbags for herself*

(Both coworkers turn to me and tell me I need to get some for myself. Both also state their husbands are going to kill them for buying so much. Coworker #2 asks Coworker #1 to pay for hers so her husband won’t find out. They keep me back 45 minutes because I am the only one who can serve them. The next morning, it’s my job to tidy the mess they made on the handbag table.)

Me: *next to Coworker #1* “Hey, look! I found a bag I almost like”.