(My mom is running the auction for my school. She is very stressed as she is the only one coordinating the event. My step-dad relays to me what happens one night.)

Step-Dad: “Last night I woke up to your mom standing beside the bed. All I heard was ‘and then there’s this bed… and it even comes with a husband in it.’ I then proceeded to get her back in bed although I still wonder who she was trying to sell me to…”

(My boyfriend and I are driving home from a restaurant and brought cheddar biscuits home with us.)

Me: “These smell so good. I’d have sex with them.”

Boyfriend: “If I smelled like that would you have sex with me?”

Me: “Probably.”

Boyfriend: “I wonder if I could bottle this scent…”

(I’m lying in bed next to my husband reading something on my phone. He’s lying down to take a nap and has been asking me to cuddle him. I haven’t replied to him because I wanted to finish what I was reading, so he starts complaining to our five-year-old daughter. Note: I am trying to learn Japanese and am very fond of the culture.)

Husband: *sad voice* “I need cuddles, [Daughter]. But momma won’t cuddle me.”

Daughter: “Momma, cuddle Daddy!”

Me: *giggling at what I’m reading*

Daughter: “I know! I’ll tell her in Japanese style!”

(She walks over to my side of the bed and climbs up, looking stern.)

Daughter: *very obviously making up words* “Onna! Onna!” *points at her daddy* “Cuddle!”

(I start giggling hysterically and look at my husband.)

Me: “You know what’s funny? ‘Onna’ is actually Japanese for woman!”

(My aunt is discussing with my father about where their family is descended from, a large city in Germany.  She had found out her husband’s family came from the same city. Both are third or fourth generation Australians.)

Aunt: “But what if we come from the same family?”

Dad: “Why are you worried?”

Aunt:  “I’m worried for my kids. What if [Uncle] and I are actually related? Our kids might have problems we don’t know about and pass it on to their kids.”

Dad: “You have nothing to worry about”.

Aunt:  “Why do you say that?”

Dad: “Your kids are adopted. They aren’t even related to each other”.

Aunt: “Oh, that’s a relief. I forgot about that”.

(My brother was outside playing football with our five-year-old nephew. He comes into the house laughing.)

Brother: “So, [Nephew] tackled me.  He then told me, ‘I’m sorry, [Uncle]. I licked you just a little when I tackled you.'”

Me: “Just a little?”

Brother: “Just a little.”