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Now That’s What I Call Love

, , , , | Right | June 16, 2008

Caller: “Yeah, I bought this tattoo kit from you guys the other day, and there’s stuff missing from it.”

Me: “Stuff missing? Like what?”

Caller: “Well, for starters, there’s no book with it… and I don’t know how to assemble it.”

Me: “Book? What book? We don’t have books. We just sell tattoo inks, needles, machines… and assembly? Is there something not assembled in your kit?”

Caller: “Yeah, it’s all in pieces… it’s a piece of crap!”

Me: “Pieces? Did it get damaged during shipment to you?”

Caller: “No, it’s just a bunch of pieces. There’s a power supply, foot pedal, a couple of tattoo machines… but I gotta put it together myself. That’s bulls***! I don’t know what I’m doing! You guys should have assembled everything for me before shipping.”

Me: “You want us to assemble your tattoo shop for you? Wait a sec… Did you say you don’t know what you’re doing?”

Caller: “That’s right. I’ve never tattooed before. That’s why I thought there’d be a book with the kit.”

Me: “You mean like: step one, put a picture on the skin; step two, dip the needle in ink; step three, tattoo the ink into the skin?”

Caller: “Yeah, that’s it! Why didn’t you guys give me that kinda book when I bought the kit!?”

Me: “So, how are you expecting to learn to tattoo? Are you not doing a tattoo apprenticeship at a real tattoo shop, where they teach you to do this sort of thing?”

Caller: “Nah… I just figured I’d start off tattooing my wife until I can figure it out…”


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Lesson Of The Day: Food Poisoning = Bad

, , , , | Right | June 16, 2008

(Note: the FDA recently recalled tomatoes because of a salmonella outbreak.)

Me: “… and what veggies would you like on your sandwich?”

Customer: “Lettuce, tomato, and onion; that’s all. And some mayo.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, we’re not selling tomatoes right now, but I’ll put the rest of that on for you.”

Customer: “What? Why can’t I have tomatoes?”

Me: “Because the FDA is worried that they may be contaminated with salmonella and until we’re sure that ours are safe, we’re not allowed to sell them.”

Customer: “Your tomatoes are contaminated?! How can you sell tomatoes that are contaminated? That’s disgusting! I can’t believe you!”

Me: “Ma’am we’re NOT selling them.”

Customer: “Well, why the h*** not?!”

Me: “Because the FDA says they might not be safe and we don’t want our customers to get sick.”

Customer: “Well, that’s stupid. I want tomatoes.”

Me: “All right, ma’am, but I suggest you leave off the mayonnaise, then.”

Customer: “Umm… okay. Why?”

Me: “It tends to taste bad when mixed with salmonella.”

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Ah, Fathers

, , , , , | Right | June 15, 2008

(I am a cashier and father and young son are in line.)

Son: “Wow, that’s a lot of stuff!”

Dad: “Yeah, I might have to sell your bike to pay for it all.”

Son: “Noooo, not my bike!”

Dad: *laughs* “No, I wouldn’t sell your bike for food. Although, I might sell it for beer…”

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Blue Screen Flash Of Death

, , , | Right | June 15, 2008

(The client, a postman, walks in with his older machine. He sets it down on the desk. I turn it on and dust comes out the back. He explains how slow it’s been and how much he hates Windows Millennium Edition.)

Me: “We can fix that up for you, but with the cost of the upgrade to Windows XP, the memory to support it, etc., it might be wise just to purchase a new computer and transfer the data.”

Client: “Nah, that’s all right. I like this one.”

(I go around the desk to fetch his paperwork. He somehow finds a paper clip and decides to remove the dust on the back of his power supply fan with it. Shortly thereafter, a blue flash comes out the back, he jumps a bit, and the computer turns off.)

Client: “Yanno what? I’ll just get that data backup.”

Me: “One moment, please…”

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Please Do Not Pet The Employees

, , , | Right | June 15, 2008

(I am a volunteer at the zoo, and I am walking around an exhibit room with a boa constrictor in my arms so people can pet her.)

Man: “Can we pet it? It’s not slimy, is it?”

Me: “No, sir, not at all. She’s very sweet; go ahead.”

Man: *pets snake* “Wow, it’s really soft.” *reaches for my head* “Let’s see if its handler is, too…”

Me: “?!” *dodges his hand*

(Thankfully, he left quickly!)


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