(The building out of which I have operated my shop for the last 2.5 years was originally built as an Italian restaurant. The restaurant went out of business over a decade ago, and my coffee shop is only the latest in a string of businesses that have occupied the property since then.)

Me: *answering the phone* “Good afternoon, [Coffee Shop].”

Caller: “Oh, um, hi… This is going to sound a little stupid…”

Me: “No, don’t worry. What can I help you with?”

Caller: “Well, my name is [Caller], and I just really loved [Original Restaurant]’s meatballs and sauce. I was wondering if you still had any, or if you knew how to get some?”

Me: *speechless*

Caller: “They were just so good! Do you know where they might have opened up again?”

Me: “No… Not at all.”

Caller: “Oh, that’s disappointing. What a shame. They were just so good. I—”

Me: “All right. Well, if that’s all, I—”

Caller: “But they were just so good!”

(We have multiple very large groups staying with us, so all the extra bed sheets are taken up.)

Guest: “My child threw up on the bed! I need new linens!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we have no more.”

Guest: “Nonsense! You are supposed to help! It’s your job! Now fetch my linens and don’t be lazy about it!”

Me: “Sir, I’m not kidding. We don’t have any more. How am I supposed to get you some more linens when I don’t have what you need?”

(The guest yells angrily, so I bring the manager out.)

Manager: “What’s the problem?”

Guest: “I’ll tell you what’s the problem! This hotel has no more linens! What kind of hotel has no more linens to give!”

(My manager takes the angry guest out and walks with him someplace. When she returns, she is alone.)

Me: “What happened?”

Manager: “I showed him the lobby, which was full of people. I showed him the pool, which was full of people. Then I showed him the hallways, which were also full of people, and told him that every one of them has asked for linens and we ran out. He got real quiet, grunted, and then ran off to his room!”

(I am in AP Calculus. At the beginning of the year my teacher divided us into groups with which we are allowed to work on homework and some test problems. My group is my two friends and I. We are really not bad at Calculus, but we are a little crazy sometimes and easily get off topic.)

Me: “Guys, we need a group name!”

Friend #1: “Okay… like what?”

Friend #2: “Well, it needs to be a math pun, obviously.”

(We Google ‘math puns’ but don’t find any that work for a group name, so we begrudgingly settle in to do homework. Then, a few minutes later…)

Friend #2: “Oh, my gosh! We’re the pirates! Get it? Pi-rates? Like, pi?!”

Me & Friend #1: “That’s awesome!”

Me: “Now we just need a theme song!”

Friend #1: “Seriously?”

Me: “Yes. And I’ve already got it! ‘We are the pi-rates who don’t derive anything. We just sit in our corner and cry. And if you ask us to derive anything, we’ll just tell you… we don’t know how.'”

This story is part of the International Joke Day roundup!

Read the next International Joke Day roundup story!

Read the International Joke Day roundup!

(I’m a girl, talking to a friend that is going through troubles with the girl he likes. I’m trying to get him to talk to a different girl.)

Me: “Go talk to [Girl]!”

Friend: “But she’s so pretty! You know how uncomfortable I am talking to pretty girls!”

Me: *death glare*

(In middle school we took a trip to a theme park. I was reading the rules for a ride.)

Me: “Please keep head erect.”

Friend #1: “Wait, what?”

Friend #2: “You know what that means, right?”

Me: “No…” *clicks* “Oh, my god! I did not just say that!”

(We are now in our 20s and I still hear about it.)