(I work once a week at the help desk answering calls for students, alumni and guests. This exchange happened after I helped an elderly student change his password. Since this is my first day of work, I have a team leader shadowing my calls.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

Client: “Yes, ma’am… Whatcha wearing this evening?”

Team Leader: *muffled giggling*

Me: *bewildered* “Uh… I’m sorry, what?”

Client: “What are you wearing? I’m serious.”

Me: *struggling to muffle my laughter* “Standard work clothes, sir.”

Client: “Well, you shouldn’t be leaving yourself open to questions like that, little lady. It gets ya in trouble. You have a good day.” *hangs up*

(I took myself out of the queue and my team leader and I spent a good five minutes laughing.)

(I am the customer in this story. About a month or so ago I hurt my leg at work. After a long, drawn out process I have been sent by a safety development worker to a clinic that specializes in x-rays instead of just going into the hospital. I show up at least 15 minutes early, fill out the paperwork they give me, and wait at least 30 minutes to be checked in, per the usual. They check my weight, height, and health conditions, and then I’m waiting in the little room. Another few minutes later the doctor comes in and looks me over, and then sends me to get my x-rays. I’m sent back to the room where the doctor meets up with me and gives me good news. At this point I am ready to head on home, in my over-eagerness I almost passed the nurse that needed to check me out.)

Nurse: “Hold on. I need your name.”

Me: “Oh sorry.” *gives my name*

Nurse: *types into the computer* “Okay, that will be $113.”

Me: “Uh, I… don’t have any money.”

(At this point the woman who checked me in pipes up giving me an incredulous look.)

Woman: “How could you come in here expecting not to pay? Everyone has to pay for visits.”

Me: “Well, for one this was worker’s comp and two, I’m Choctaw Indian. The Nation covers my bills. I’ve never had to pay for clinic visits, ever! My safety development worker from Choctaw Nation told me to come here too.”

Woman: “Choctaw Nation never sends people here.”

Me: “Well they told me Dr. Grider’s urgent care clinic.”

Woman: *pauses* “This isn’t Dr. Grider’s clinic.”

Me: “… Oh.”

Nurse: “He’s next door.”

Me: “… Oh.”

(I got checked out by the wrong clinic. I was mortified. They took my information anyway and ended up giving me my x-rays to take next door to where I was supposed to be 40 minutes before. If I had just looked next to the ‘Urgent Care’ clinic sign I would have seen the ‘Dr. Grider Orthopedics’ sign right alongside it. Gosh, ladies. I’m so, so, sorry for the trouble I caused!)

(As always with restaurants, you get the guest who wants to specialize their entire meal because they have a strict diet. I approach a table with a lady who is eating lunch alone.)

Me: “Good afternoon. Are you ready to order, or would you like a couple of minutes?”

Customer: “No, I’m ready. First of all, I’m a vegetarian, so I’d like to start off with the minestrone soup, and then for my entree, I’d like wheat pasta with the meat sauce on the side.”

Me: “I’m sorry, did you just say you’d like the MEAT sauce?”

Customer: “On the side.”

Me: “The MEAT sauce?”

Customer: “On. The. Side.”

Me: “I understand ‘on the side’, but you are aware that the meat sauce has ground beef and ground sausage in it?”

Customer: “Yes, and I’d like it very much if the sauce was on the side.”

(A customer comes up to me with a 20 gallon tank in her cart.)

Customer: “You got any of those ‘chicklid’ fish?”

Me: “You mean cichlids? Yes, ma’am, we do. Were you looking for a particular species?”

Customer: “D***, I don’t know… How about that one?”

(She points to our tank of juvenile tiger-oscars, a fish that can easily grow to a foot in length. Because of this, we do not allow them to be sold unless the person has or is buying a tank of at least 50 gallons.)

Me: “No problem, ma’am. If you’d like a tiger-oscar, you will have to buy a bigger tank, though, along with a heater and filter. These fish get very large.”

(I quickly explain the final size and tank requirements for the species.)

Customer: “S***! I’m not buying no 50 gallon for a stupid fish!”

Me: *ignoring her comment* “I’d be happy to show you other species that are perfect for the tank you’ve picked out.”

Customer: “No! I need something for my kids to look at TONIGHT! They won’t be able to see no pathetic little guppy! I want that ‘chicklid!'”

(She continues yelling at me to get her the fish while refusing to buy a filter, heater, or even gravel for the tank.)

Me: “Ma’am, I cannot sell you a fish that you’ll be putting into a bare tank of stagnant water.”

Customer: “You can’t deny me a sale! I am a customer and I deserve that fish!”

Me: “My job is to care for these animals first. You are wanting to buy a live animal and that comes with requirements and responsibilities. As I said before, I am more than happy to show you other species that are better suited to your tank size but I will not sell you a tiger-oscar.”

Customer: “I want to see your manager. You’re being mean to me!”

(I got my manager, who promptly agreed with my decision to not sell to her. She then asked to speak to the regional manager who also agreed with us. Furious, she stormed out of our store and vowed to never come back… not that we would have let her.)

(I work in a musical instrument store. On our counters we have small grab-and-go items, including mini harmonicas that some people purchase as pendants for jewelry but also work as an instrument. I have just rung up Customer #1 and am in the middle of ringing Customer #2 when Customer #1 takes one of the harmonicas and starts blowing through it.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir.Were you planning on purchasing that today?”

Customer #1: “Of course not. I don’t play harmonica.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but now that you have used that one I have to ask you to buy it.”

Customer #1: “That’s ridiculous. I was just testing it out.”

Me: “I’m sorry but it’s for sanitary reasons. I cannot sell that now that you have used it. These are not a demo product.”

Customer #1: “There’s no sign. Why shouldn’t I try it? I’m not buying that. I don’t need it.”

Me: “Again, sir, I’m sorry, but now that you’ve put your mouth on it I can’t sell it to anyone else. Would you buy something that required you to put your mouth on it knowing someone else had as well?

Customer #1: “I don’t have a problem with that.”

Customer #2: “Well, I do. What if I bought that for my daughter and you had some kind of herpes or something?”

Customer #1: “Whatever. I’m leaving and never coming back to this f****** store again. No one has ever told me before I couldn’t try them.”

(Just before he walked away he threw the harmonica he had tried back in the bowl and shook it so I wouldn’t be able to tell which one he had his mouth on. I then had to damage out the whole lot.)