(I am babysitting my two young cousins. We are watching TV  when a commercial for an erectile dysfunction drug comes on.)

Commercial: “Do you want enhanced performance?”

Cousin #1: “YES!”

Commercial: “Do you want improved libido?”

Cousins #1 & #2: “YES!”

Cousin #1: “[My Name], what’s ‘libidido?'”

Me: “It’s like energy.”

Commercial: “If your erection lasts longer than four hours, please see a physician.”

Cousin #2: “What’s an erection?”

Cousin #1: “I think it’s what you get when you have ‘libidido.'”

Cousin #2: “I’m very energetic! I have an erection!”

Cousin #1: “I’m bigger than you, so I have more erection!”

(I almost died laughing.)

(My sister and I are discussing nicknames.)

Me: “How do you get Bill or Billy from William?”

Sister: “I don’t know.” *shrugs* “And how do you get Rick out of Richard?”

Dad: “How do you get Dick out of Richard?”

Me: *deadpan* “You ask him nicely.”

(My sister doubles over laughing and I grin at our dad who is shaking his head.)

Me: “C’mon, you walked right into that one!”

(Our manager is in a fit because a coworker who is known to try to get out of working just called in to say that he needed a ride from the hospital. Both coworkers who can get him there can’t; one just clocked on and the other can’t clock off until he is at the store. My coworker who can’t clock off is panicking and crying because she needs to go to an event right at the time she is supposed to clock off.)

Coworker: “I am so angry! Why did [Other Coworker] not get a ride from his friend?”

Me: “He’s just stupid.”

Coworker: “I know, but he makes me so mad!” *starts pacing* “I want to rip out my hair!”

Me: *walks over to drink station* “[Beverage]?”

Coworker: “I just— What?”

Me: “Do you drink [Beverage]?”

Coworker: “Yes.”

Me: *fills up a kids cup with [Beverage] and hands it to coworker* “There, there, now, [Coworker]. Drink. Don’t pull your hair out. Drink and imagine pulling [Other Coworker]’s hair out.”

Coworker: *drinks slowly*

Me: “Better?”

Coworker: *throws cup away* “Much. Although, I’m scared now about how you knew that would work.”

Me: “I’ve worked here six months longer than you. That’s six more months of [Other Coworker] than you…”

(I work as a delivery driver for a major pizza chain. I have an exchange between me and one of the managers.)

Me: “We’re getting seriously low on pop in the cooler.”

Manager: “What about the pop cooler?”

Me: “We’re getting seriously low on pop. The cooler needs to be filled.”

Manager: “What’s wrong with the pop cooler? Is it broken?”

Me: “No! The cooler is fine! We are getting extremely low on ALL pop!”

Manager: “What do we need in the pop cooler?”

Me: “… Duck…”

Manager: “There should be plenty in the walk-in.”

Me: “… Duck? Seriously…?”

Manager: “Yeah, we’ll get it. Take your delivery.”

(A half hour later, after my return from a delivery:)

Manager: “Hey! The pop cooler is empty! Why didn’t you tell me?”

(I am scanning documents and notice a horribly funny acronym. One of my colleagues are walking past me.)

Me: “Are you immature?”

Colleague: “Of course.”

(I show them the document. Immediately they cover their mouth and laugh.)

Colleague: “No way.”

Me: “Yes way. IFAP.”

Colleague: “Well, at least you’re honest.”