(This takes place in the early ‘90s. Our office has changed computer systems and has new terminals. On the front of the terminal is a green power light.)

Coworker #1: “What’s the light for?”

Coworker #2: “It is a retinal security system. You have to put your eye to it each time you login: morning, lunch, or break.”

(A week later.)

Supervisor: “[Coworker #1], what the f*** are you doing with your eye to the terminal?!”

(I work at a kitchen of a nursing home. I am walking to another side of the building to pass out snacks when I see a resident trying to stand up from her wheelchair. Three nurses are standing next to her gossiping and not paying attention. The resident almost falls forward when I run fast as I can and catch her and put her back to her chair.)

Me: “Where do you want to go, [Resident]?”

Resident: “I want to go and watch the movie, but they parked my wheelchair and I don’t know how to move it now.”

Me: “I’ll go take you to the movie room.”

(I go and take her to the movie room, and I go back to the nurses.)

Nurse #1: “—did you see that fat girl run?!”

Nurse #2: *laughing* “Yeah, I know!”

Me: *now angry* “You guys should have paid attention to her! She almost fell!”

Nurse #1: “Oh, she falls all the time!”

(Two of the three nurses got fired because the head nurse overheard. The head nurse also told me to come to her when I am done with nursing school and I can have a nursing job.)

(An elderly gentleman wearing a wife beater that is tucked into his underwear slowly makes his way to the counter to pick up his pizza. After a seemingly normal transaction with a sane customer, he picks up his pizza and turns to walk out the door. As he turns he tilts the pizza vertically and puts it under his arm (like carrying a book). I and some fellow employees watch in amazement as we imagine the hot pizza cheese sliding into a clump.)

Manager: “He’s going to be calling back…”

(About fifteen minutes later, the phone rings.)

Me: “[Pizza], how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to speak to a manager, please.”

Me: “Right away.”

Manager: “This is [Manager]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, my pizza was clumped on one side of the box and the cheese had slide off the pizza. I’d like a new one!”

(I work in a campground that is just outside of the city limits. We are off a highway that has the ‘Welcome to our city’ sign on it, and which is the only way in or out of the city for miles. A customer comes in with a GPS.)

Customer: “I’d like to get into the city. What should I program into the GPS?”

Me: “Oh, it’s quite simple, just exit the campground and turn right. The highway leads into the city.”

Customer: “But what should I program into the GPS?”

Me: “Are you looking for a particular location?”

Customer: “No, I just want to get into the city itself. Can you tell my GPS what directions it should give me?”

Me: “All you have to do is turn right and follow the highway. You won’t need your GPS. Once you pass the ‘Welcome’ sign you should begin to see buildings.”

Customer: “But how do I get into the city? I need my GPS to tell me what to do!”

(I give up, and program the GPS with the coordinates of a gas station just past the ‘Welcome’ sign.)

GPS: “Turn right. In five kilometers, you will reach your destination.”

Customer: “Hey, the city is just down the road! You could have just told me to turn right!”

(Our front desk is very large, and in the winter it can get chilly. We recently installed a large piece of glass to help deflect the cold air coming from the entrance. By the end of the first week I was tired of answering the same two questions about the glass.)

Regular Patron: “This glass is new. When was it put in?”

Me: “Monday.”

Regular Patron: “Why did they put it in?”

Me: “To keep the gnomes out.”

Regular Patron: *nods slowly and gravely* “Oh, yes, I understand.”

(The patron walked off perfectly satisfied.)