(A teenager is looking for a book with her mother. The mother approaches me.)

Customer’s Mum: “Hi, do you have books by Cheryl Cole?”

Me: “I don’t think she’s released any yet. We do have some biographies about her life, though. Let me show you.”

Teen Customer: “I’m meant to write some dumb essay for English on a true story written by the person.”

Me: “Ah, so you’d be looking for an autobiography.”

(Both customers stare at me blank.)

Me: “… I’m afraid she hasn’t released an autobiography yet. The only biography we have on her is this unauthorized one.”

Customer’s Mum: “Oh! See? Unauthorized! That means she wrote it herself, right?”

(It is currently late at night, with a winter storm expected to come the following morning. I am running customer service when the phone rings and I answer it.)

Me: “Hello, [Store] [Location] customer service desk. [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I’d just like to let you know that tomorrow morning is going to horrible and that all of the young people won’t be coming in. However, all of the elderly people that work will be, because they are the ones who really need the money. Bye!”

Me: “Uh…”

Caller: *click*

(I put the phone back on the receiver and relay the comment to a manager.)

Manager: “Oh my God, it’s not even tomorrow yet and they are ALREADY complaining!”

(I work in a satellite call center and help customers with billing as well as tech support. A customer calls in upset about her last bill.)

Customer: “My bill is only supposed to be $67.99 a month and this month it was over $700!! I had to come home early to have time to call you about this. What are you people trying to pull on me!?”

Me: “I will be more than happy to look at this for you as I can definitely see why this would make you upset.

(I can immediately see the issue: two to three adult pay-per-view movies at $17.99 each have been ordered several times a day for the last two weeks.)

Me: Looking at the bill, I think I see exactly where the problem is. Do you or your husband watch any… um… mature-themed movies?”

Customer: “What?! I don’t watch that smut and besides, it’s just my son and I who live here! I don’t like what you’re insinuating! I demand you remove these charges!!”

Me: *catching on almost immediately as I have two older sons myself* “Ahh, I think I might see the problem, ma’am. Let me ask you this if I may… How old is your son?”

Customer: “Not that it’s any of your business, but he’s 13.”

Me: “Uh huh. And if I might ask, what time does he get out of school?”

Customer: “He gets out of school at about two, and then gets rights to studying in his room. He’s going to go to college when he’s older. He’s absolutely brilliant. He studies all day long in there.”

Me: “Right. Well, the reason I ask is because I can see the time these movies are ordered AND the receiver that they are ordered on. Ma’am, it looks like ALL of them are ordered on the receiver in one of the bedrooms, and ALL between the times of around 2:15 pm and about 4:30 pm. About what time do you normally get home from work, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Customer: *getting livid about now* “Now look here, missy! I don’t like the idea that you think my son is watching that smut on TV and I most certainly don’t like the idea that you think that I would tolerate that in a Christian house like mine. I demand that you both remove this… this… filth from my bill and apologize to me for even thinking that my boy would even know what some of this… this… stuff even is!!”

(As she’s ranting on about her beautiful, pure, Christian son I see yet another expensive adult PPV being ordered so I interrupt her tirade.)

Me: “Ma’am! I don’t want to be rude, but is your son home right now?”

Customer: “Yes, he is!”

Me: “Good! Because, I see another of these movies is being ordered right now. So do this: just go in and tell me what you see, and if it’s not p*rn, I’ll be more than happy to remove every one of these charges.”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll show you that my son is a good boy and—” *I hear a door open*

Son: “MOM!” *call drops*

(I laughed my a** off for five minutes. And no, I didn’t credit even one PPV charge.)

(An elderly man in a wheelchair comes into the clinic waiting room accompanied by his adult son. This clinic is held upstairs.)

Nurse: “Mr. [Man]?”

Man: “Yep.”

Nurse: “You’ll need an x-ray before you see [Consultant].”

Man: “I’m not having no x-ray. I’ve had enough x-rays!”

Nurse: “Well, [Consultant] has requested a new x-ray before he sees you today.”

Man: “No, I’m not having no x-ray.”

Nurse: “Did you want me to cancel your appointment today, then?”

Man: “No, I’m here. I want my appointment.”

Nurse: Well, [Consultant] can’t do anything unless you have a new x-ray.”

Man: “Fine! I’ll have the x-ray.”

Nurse: “Okay, then. If you’ll just take the lift to go downstairs to x-ray—”

Man: “Down? I’ve just come up in the lift! I’m not going down again! I’ve had enough of this: up in the lift, down in the lift. I don’t like lifts! I’m not going down in any lift. You can’t make me.”

Son: “I reckon you’ll be staying here all night, then, Dad. We’re on the second floor.”

(I work at a well-known game store. The year is 2008.)

Me: “Hello, welcome to [Video Game Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Do you have a copy of Battletoads?”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “No, we do not, sadly.”

Customer: “That sucks.”

(About a week later:)

Me: *on the phone* “Hello. How may I help you today?”

Caller: “Do you have a copy of Battletoads?”

Me: “No, sir, we do not!”

Caller: “It’s been five days. How come?!”

Me: *in shock* “IS THIS THE SAME CUSTOMER?!”

Caller: “Yes! I want my d*** Battletoads for my PS3, dumb-a**!”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Sir, Battletoads has been out of print for 17 years now. And I doubt it’s on the PS3.”

Caller: “Well, YOU’RE just a d*** MORON?!” *hangs up*

Me: *shrugs*

(A day later, the same customer walks into the store.)

Customer: “HEY, YOU! I WANT MY BATTLETOADS!”

Me: “Sir, WE. DO. NOT. HAVE. BATTLETOADS!”

Customer: “My brother told me you have it. I want it NOW!”

Me: “You’re brother must’ve been mistaken.”

Customer: “I DON’T WANNA HEAR IT! I’M GONNA FIND MY D*** BATTLETOADS IF I’M GONNA HAVE TO DESTROY THIS ENTIRE STORE!”

(The customer then proceeds to go on a rampage through the entire store, knocking over multiple games and destroying several others. We had to call the police to arrest him. An hour later, his brother shows up)

Customer’s Brother: “Hey, my brother told me you guys ripped him off.”

Me: “Eh, you do know he was looking for a game called Battletoads, right?”

Customer’s Brother: “Oh, god. I can’t believe he fell for that. I told him to do that just to get that moron out of my house. I’m so sorry about that.”

Me: “It’s okay.”

Customer’s Brother: “I’m surprised he didn’t even know about that prank anyway.”

(Turns out that asking for ‘Battletoads’ at any video game store is a popular prank done by people to piss off the employees.)