(During the night I get a phone call from our security company informing me that our security alarm is going off. The assistant manager and I meet at the store and manage to ascertain the cause of the problem is a door which had been opened earlier that day that links our premises to the travel agent next door. This door is normally locked and only the travel agents have a key. While closing it we trigger their alarm and call the police in the hope they can contact their key-holders about the situation. They are unable to get hold of the key-holders themselves but give me the number for their security company.)

Employee: “Hello, [Security Company].”

Me: “Hi, I’m calling on behalf of [Coffee Shop]. We have been advised to call you by the police regarding an alarm that has been set off at the premises of one of your clients.”

Employee: “Okay, no problem. What’s your password?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have a password. We’re not one of your clients. The travel agents next door are and we’re calling to try and give you information so you can contact them.”

Employee: “So if you don’t have their password do you have your password?”

Me: “No, sorry. I think there may have been a misunderstanding. Our store is not a client of yours but we have set off an alarm at the travel agents next door who are one of your clients. It has been caused by a door that links the two properties. We need to get in contact with them to let them know the cause of the problem and to find out if they can lock the door as we don’t have a key for it.”

Employee: “I can’t let you contact them without a password.”

Me: “I’m not trying to contact them. I’m asking you to contact them. There is a security issue at your clients property and you are their security company. You will need to contact them about this; I want to give you information to help them to solve the problem.”

Employee: “I’m sorry. I can’t do anything without your password.”

Me: “So, you’re telling me I can’t let you know about a security issue at your client’s premises unless I have a password? It’s your duty to call your clients when their alarms are going off but you have no way of letting members of the public notify you their alarm is going off without a password? In spite of the fact that if I had a password I would presumably be a member of their staff and thus not need to contact you to let you know the alarm was going off?”

Employee: “That is correct.”

(Since the conversation was going nowhere I hung up. I contacted the travel agents the next day and they had not even received the mandatory call the security company should have made to them to let them know the alarm had been activated.)

(I work at a dairy farm milking cows. Every milking, without fail, a conversation like this happens between us and one of the cows:)

Bertha: “Moo.”

Worker #1: “Hi, Bertha!”

Bertha: “Mooooo.”

Worker #2: “What’s the matter, girl?”

Bertha: “Mooo.”

Worker #1: “Are you hungry, Bertha?”

Bertha: “Mooooooooooo.”

Worker #2: “Be patient. We’re almost done.”

Bertha: “Mooo.”

(At this point, just as we are about to let her loose, Bertha always poops in the milking parlor.)

Both Workers: “Thanks, Bertha.”

(I am training a new employee on how to run the cash register. A trainer is expected to cover every topic in the store. After around six hours of babbling, my mouth is running on automatic. A woman in her 30s enters the line and asks for cigarettes.)

Me: “Okay, [New Cashier]. Whenever you’re running on a normal register, you need to page customer service to get cigarettes. Remember, you’re also responsible to check IDs. You really don’t have to now, but—”

(The new cashier turns and gives me a look of horror while the customer scoffs.)

Customer: *sounding offended* “Thanks a lot!”

Me: “What?” *the realization of what I said then sinks in* “OH! Oh, no I didn’t mean anything by that! I meant that, uhm… I’m sorry?”

(The customer refused to look at or listen to me, and I lost my train of thought and fell silent. She paid for her cigarettes and left without another word. Sorry, Customer! I really didn’t mean to imply that you looked old!)

(I experience a mild case of thrush, which in an inflammation of the female private parts. I’m embarrassed, so it takes me a few days to work up the courage to go buy the cream to treat it.)

Cashier: *noticing my work lanyard* “Are you just leaving work?”

Me: “Uh, no. I’m just on my lunch break.”

(I avoid her eye as I put the cream on the counter, and nervously try to avoid bringing attention to myself as the store is very busy. The cashier’s eyes go wide as she sees my purchase. The cashier is not a pharmacist or medically trained in any way.)

Cashier: “Oh, sweetheart! How long has this been going on?”

Me: *turning red* “A few days.”

Cashier: “And have you seen a doctor?”

Me: “Not yet.”

(The transaction goes on with her attempting to pry more and more details from me, getting increasingly louder at my shorts answers.)

Cashier: “And would you like a bag, dear?”

Me: “Yes, please.”

Cashier: *smirks as she bags up my cream* “Well, of course you want a bag. You don’t want to walk back into work, carrying that. I mean, you might as well go in and announce, “Hey, everyone! I’ve got a rash on my—”

(I snatch the bag from her and book it out of there, but not before she can scream after me so the entire store can hear.)

Cashier: “I HOPE YOUR RASH CLEARS UP!”

(I’m running the express lane when a lady approaches my till holding an infant of about a year old. Note: it’s October and around 68° outside.)

Me: “Hello! What can I do for you?”

Customer #1: *sets infant on counter * “Yes, I’d like two packs of [Brand] cigars.”

(I go get the cigars, and as I return and start ringing up her cigars, another customer walks by who also has an infant that is in only shorts, minding their own business.)

Customer #1: *to Customer #2’s infant* “Oooh, baby, you’re gonna get sick wearing only shorts. It’s, like, zero degrees outside.” *to me* “Some people.”

(She happily walked away with her cigars and baby.)