(I’m running the express lane when a lady approaches my till holding an infant of about a year old. Note: it’s October and around 68° outside.)

Me: “Hello! What can I do for you?”

Customer #1: *sets infant on counter * “Yes, I’d like two packs of [Brand] cigars.”

(I go get the cigars, and as I return and start ringing up her cigars, another customer walks by who also has an infant that is in only shorts, minding their own business.)

Customer #1: *to Customer #2’s infant* “Oooh, baby, you’re gonna get sick wearing only shorts. It’s, like, zero degrees outside.” *to me* “Some people.”

(She happily walked away with her cigars and baby.)

(I work as a cashier at a chain of grocery stores. In our lanes, we have these little gates that you can bring down if the lane is closed. There is very little space between the gate and the belt, so customers can’t squeeze their way in. My manager comes over to tell me to go on break, and then puts the gate down as we’re rather busy at the moment and customers don’t often notice that the light is off above our register, showing we’re closed. I have one other customer still in line after we close the gate, so I hurry to finish with her.)

Me: “And have a nice day, ma’am.”

(I hear heavy breathing and look at the entrance to my lane after giving the customer her receipt. A man has squeezed himself through the space between the gate and the register!)

Customer: *still breathing heavily* “Woof, that was hard to get through!”

(I still don’t know how he got through, considering I weight about 150lbs and I can’t get through the gap without sucking in my stomach, and he had a good 50 or so pounds on me!)

Customer: “Hello. Do you have any tea?”

Me: “Yes. Caffeinated teas: we have an English breakfast black, an  Earl Grey, and a China green. Herbal: we have mint, hibiscus, peach, and chamomile.”

Customer: “That’s too overwhelming.” *walks out*

(To generate more sales, we offer the customers a deal where, if they purchase $50 worth of extra sheets, they can purchase a full session CD for $89.99, which is regularly $250. The customer I am working with is First Nations, as I live in a community with a large Native population.)

Me: “So with this coupon, if you spend over $50 in extra merchandise, you can upgrade your CD for $89.99 if you’d like!”

Customer: “Not interested.”

Me: “Okay, not a problem. We’ll continue looking through your photos.”

(This goes on for some time while the customer’s two children, aged four and six, run around the studio lobby screaming and knocking things over. The customer finally puts the four-year-old girl in the uncomfortable looking mall stroller, where she promptly begins to scream in my ear. I continue with the sale.)

Me: “In this shot I felt like the kids were very posed, it has nice smiles from both of them though.”

Customer: “It’s ugh… Ugh! They’re all ugly! Why didn’t you take pictures of my kids like that! *gestures to stock photos on the wall of a little girl dancing around*

Me: “Generally the sessions that these types of pictures come from are sessions that start in the morning and last all day with corporate level photographers.”

Customer: “Whatever…”

(The little girl next to me is still screaming as her brother is banging away on the other computer’s keyboard. I pause so that the mother could intervene with the noise and turn slightly towards the girl to indicate why I’ve stopped. As I turn I see that the girl has raised her skirt, showing clearly soiled underwear that are the cause of her distress.)

Customer: “Hey! Don’t you f****** look at her! You f****** pervert!”

Me: “Sorry. I thought you might want to calm her down.”

Customer: “She’s my f****** daughter; I’ll do what I want! Don’t tell me how to raise my f****** kids, you white devil b****!”

Me: “I wasn’t trying to say—”

Customer: “I’M the customer. You pay attention to ME! GOT IT?!”

(Gritting my teeth, I continue with the sale. When she starts to order sheets, I realize she’s going to be buying almost $50 worth.)

Me: “If you buy one more sheet you’re over the $50 mark and you qualify for our CD deal! $89.99 for the full session, a savings of $170!”

Customer: “I’m. Not. Interested.”

Me: “Okay, I just wanted to make sure you didn’t want to take advantage of this awesome deal.”

Customer: “Seriously! Give it up! You just want more of my f****** money! You think I’m stupid, b****? ‘Cause I’m not!” *mumbles under her breath* “Stupid f****** white girl.”

(Finally the sale is coming to a close, and as I go to get up and go to the till, the customer stands up, and turns around.)

Customer: “So, I get all those images on the CD for free, right? Because I bought more than $50 with that coupon?”

Me: “No. I said you could get them for $89.99, which you refused three times.”

Customer: “LIAR! You f****** lying white racist b****! You just don’t want to give me the free stuff because I’m Native! RACIST! RACIST!” *pointing at me as she yells*

(All the commotion has attracted the attention of the photographer in the back room, who comes out to see what the matter is.)

Photographer: “What’s going—”

Customer: “This f****** white girl is trying to rip me off because she’s racist!”

Photographer: *looks at me and then back at the customer* “I somehow doubt that, but let me see if I can find you a better deal.” *gets out paper, pencil and a calculator*

(After a few minutes the photographer concedes defeat.)

Photographer: “The deal you’re being offered is the best deal we can offer you, so unless you want to take that deal, you won’t be getting the full CD.”

Customer: “You’re a f****** racist, too! You’re all f****** RACISTS!”

Photographer: “You do realize that by assuming she’s racist because she’s white, and calling her various names pertaining to the colour of her skin, YOU are in fact being the racist?”

Customer: “Nice try! Only white people can be racist! Like the two of you!”

Photographer: “… I’m just going to let you know that my father is African Canadian, so by all accounts, I’m not ‘white.’ That’s just the colour my skin leads more towards.”

Customer: “Oh, um… I didn’t…”

(Wordlessly I walk up to the till so that the customer can pay for her photos before she leaves.)

Me: “Okay, have a nice day!”

Customer: “F*** you, you racist s***! Just because she’s black doesn’t mean you can treat me like s***!”

(The customer finally leaves. When she returned to pick up her photos she acted like nothing happened. Three years later, we still tell the story about her and her crazy attitude when we all need a laugh.)

(I front the calls for an insurance call center. I’m on the phone with a customer, chit-chatting a little about the weather difference, since he is from California. I put my mic on mute while I try to see which agents are free to transfer the call to. In the meantime, I hear the customer talking to his friend in the background.)

Friend: “What’s that about?”

Customer: “Something about life insurance. But you should hear her. She sounds hot! I wish I had it on speaker. She sounded really hot! Like seriously, you should hear her! Too bad we’re on opposite ends of the country. She’s in Florida. I guess she just moved from Minnesota.”

(The entire time I can feel myself turning red, and debate on letting him know I can hear him, but I decide it’s time.)

Me: “Actually, from Michigan! But close!”

Customer: “Oh, from Michigan!”

(At this point you can hear the realization in his voice.)

Customer: “Oh, crap! You can hear everything? Oh, jeez! You should warn people! Like ‘I’m going to put you on hold but I can still hear you’!”

Me: “Yeah, but that would take out all the fun!”

Customer: “Oh man, this is so embarrassing! Well, at least you know somebody thinks you sound hot!”

(I could hear both him and his friend crack up. It made my day!)