(At the time, I’m 13, but I look older, and my dad and I are going to a bar to get my brother, who works there. My brother is just finishing up when a customer, who apparently is also a regular, stops to make conversation.)

Customer: “I gotta tell you guys, [Brother] is the best waiter I’ve ever had. He’s kind, gets the right orders…” *notices me* “…and has a really hot sister, too!”

Dad: “Don’t talk to my daughter like that!”

Customer: “Oh, come on. She’s old enough to make her own decisions!” *to me* “So how about it?”

(At this point, my brother gets off work, notices what’s happening and comes over.)

Brother: “No, no, no! Not my sister!”

Customer: “Oh come on, she’s old enough to make her own decisions!” *to me* “Well, wanna ditch these guys? I’ll buy you a drink.”

Me: “Okay, I have had enough! First of all, I am 13! The fact that you are attracted to me, a minor, is more than a little terrifying, and you offered to buy me alcohol! That is so wrong! And furthermore, if you call me hot one more time…”

Brother: “I will send the owner out! He is a friend of the family, you know.”

Customer: “Wow, I wouldn’t have asked you out if I knew you were such a b****!”

(My husband and I are happily married, but are open minded and have a fairly relaxed ‘window shopping is okay’ policy; in fact, we often times point out attractive people to each other. Since I do most of the driving, though, conversations like this happen often.)

Husband: “Oh, man, look at her/him!”

Me: “Kinda can’t, babe.”

Husband: “Aw, you missed it!”

Me: “Yep, shame.”

Husband: “Why don’t you ever look when I point someone out in the car?”

Me: “I figured keeping the two-ton chunk of metal going 50 miles an hour from hitting another two-ton chunk of metal going 50 miles an hour was a little bit more important than eye-candy.”

Husband: “…good point.”

(My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship, and counting down to the next visit. At this point it’s 10 more days, so the next day is ‘single digit’ day. It’s also Monday.)

Me: “Guess what day it is tomorrow?”

Boyfriend: *while I’m typing the next sentence* “Thursday.”

Me: “TOMORROW IS SINGLE DIGIT DAY— Wait a minute. That’s not even correct. Tomorrow is Tuesday. Are you even trying?”

(My dad has a tendency to tell jokes at the expense of others. My sister, being incredibly gullible and not the brightest bulb in the box, is a frequent target.)

Dad: *holding two fingers near one of my sister’s ears, looks through the other ear*  “Yup! I see two of them. Definitely two.”

Sister: “Huh? What are you talking about? I don’t get it.”

(Three days later, we’re at the dinner table, and my sister suddenly jerks completely upright.)

Sister: “Hey!” *smacks Dad’s arm* “That wasn’t funny!”

Dad: *genuinely confused, since he hadn’t said anything* “What wasn’t funny?”

Sister: “That thing, with the fingers, and looking through my ears… That wasn’t funny, Dad!”

(All of us sit there blinking for a few seconds until we realize it really had taken her that long to get it. Then we burst out laughing.)

Sister: “Stop that! It isn’t funny!”

Me: “No, it wasn’t. But it is now!”

(I’m visiting my mother and her fiancé. I’m eating breakfast, while they’re both browsing the Internet.)

Mom’s Fiancé: “I found the toaster I want.”

(Points to the glass toaster on his computer screen. Said toaster is made by Bugatti, a company better known for its fast sports cars.)

Me: “That must be one fast toaster. I wonder if you get speeding tickets using it?”

Mom’s Fiancé: “That toaster is so fast, Kirk would no longer say, ‘Warp six, Mr. Sulu.’ He’d say, ‘Toast, Mr. Sulu.’ ”

Me: “But that makes it sound like you’re going to put Sulu in the toaster!”

Mom’s Fiancé: “Eh. He’s not a red shirt, he’ll be okay.”

Me: “Yeah, but then he’d be red all over!”

Mom: *laughing* “This is a weird conversation.”

Me: “This is an awesome conversation!”