(Although we are not supposed to lock the doors until exactly 9:00 pm, it had been a long, busy day and the manager and I were both tired, so I locked the doors at 8:58 pm. We closed down the last register and were both in the back office counting the till. At 9:05 pm we hear someone banging incessantly at the door, which is not unusual. Almost every night, we have customers banging on the door after close, hoping we’ll let them in. If it’s an emergency, and going to guarantee a large sale like a new car battery, we’ll let them in and help them. So, I go to the door to investigate.)

Me: “Sorry! We’re closed! We closed at 9:00 pm.”

Customer: “You locked the door before 9:00! I was here and I watched you!”

Me: “If you were here before 9:00, why didn’t you come in?”

Customer: “I was finishing my cigarette! I want to buy an air freshener!”

(I’m in math class and sitting with two friends. Everyday we three finish our class work way before everyone else and will often entertain ourselves, mainly by quietly chatting. Often Friend #1 teases us. It’s all in good fun, until one day…)

Friend #1: *to me* “Yo momma’s so fat the only time she sees 90210 is on the scale.”

(I go very quiet.)

Friend #1: “What? That was funny.”

Me: *quietly* “I don’t like ‘yo momma’ jokes.”

Friend #1: “Why not? They’re funny.”

Friend #2: “[Friend #1], shut up.”

Friend #1: “What? What’s her problem?”

Me: “My Mom passed away unexpectedly, a year ago.”

Friend #1: “What? No, she didn’t.”

Friend #2: “[Friend #1], yes, she did. [Names of four other friends] all went to the funeral. We all chipped in for a card. We didn’t know you then.”

Friend #1: Come on, that’s not funny. I’ve had people pull this on me before. She just can’t handle a ‘yo momma’ joke.”

Friend #2: “People have lied to you about their moms dying to get out of ‘yo momma’ jokes from you?”

Friend #1: “All the time.”

Friend #2: “That’s just stupid. Anyway, she is telling the truth.”

(Finally our math teacher notices us arguing and comes over to see what’s wrong.)

Math Teacher: “Are you guys having trouble with the work?”

Me: “No, we’re done with the questions. We were just having a little argument about something.”

Friend #1: “I was telling a ‘yo momma’ joke, and [My Name] starting saying that her mom died last year.”

Math Teacher: “She did.”

Friend #1: *wide eyed* “What?”

Math Teacher: “[My Name’s] mother passed away last year. I was her teacher at the time and they pulled all of her teachers aside to tell them. I remember it quite vividly because it happened the same day that my father passed away a few years before.”

Friend #1: “Oh, my god! I’m so sorry!”

(Friend #1 doesn’t make ‘yo momma’ jokes anymore.)

Friend: “I just ripped and converted the entire Doom II soundtrack because I can’t be a**ed to find the midis on the Internet.”

Me: “Ha!”

Friend: “It’s funny. In being lazy, I actually did something that required more effort.”

(I’m attending university in Norway, studying archaeology. We’re on our first dig. It’s April, in middle Norway, on an island off the coast, which means we have very varying weather, but we’ve finally gotten some sunshine.)

Classmate #1: “Ugh, this digging is killing my back.”

Me: “At least the sun is shining.”

(I’ve hardly said this before clouds obscure the sun.)

Me: “Oh. At least it’s still warm.”

(Moments later, a cold breeze comes in from the sea.)

Me: “Uh… at least it’s not raining.”

(It doesn’t take long before ice cold sleet starts coming down.)

Classmate #2: *glares at me* “If you start another sentence with ‘at least,’ I will duct tape your mouth shut.”

Me: *grins* “At least you don’t have duct tape.”

(I go to college in the northeast, which has recently had several large snowstorms. The day before had been a snow-day, and more snow is due this night. I am in an early afternoon class, chatting with a few classmates before the professor shows up.)

Me: “It’s not supposed to snow until 11, but the school cancelled some of the more unimportant things starting from six onwards.”

Classmate #1: “Wait, classes are cancelled from six on?”

Me: “What? No, some events are cancelled. Sorry if you misunderstood.”

Classmate #2: “I was confused too. You said ‘unimportant things’ and the first thing I thought was ‘classes.’”