(One sunny morning I have some time to kill before catching a train so decide to sit in the sun in a local park. There are many other people with the same idea so the park is reasonably crowded. There is a large curved bench, about six or seven metres long, with only one other person, a middle aged woman, sitting on it at one end. I sit on it in the middle so the sun is even on my back and begin to read my book. A couple of minutes later I begin to feel very uncomfortable and look up to see the other woman glaring at me. I am a good two or three metres away from her.)

Woman: *in a really aggrieved tone* “Why’d you sit there for?”

Me: “Oh, sorry.”

Woman: “You just had to sit there didn’t you and completely ruin my day.”

Me: “I didn’t realise.”

Woman: “No, obviously not!”

(Feeling really uncomfortable I got up and moved to the other end of the bench. Not two minutes later a businessman walked up and sat exactly where I had been and started to read his paper. I covertly watched the other woman, who just sat and glared at the man. He was completely oblivious, and ignored her. Eventually it got too much for the woman and she jumped up and stalked off in a huff. Luckily there was another small park bench where she could sit by herself. I hope someone explained to her why it’s not nice to hog public amenities…)

(I have a friend who has been home-schooled from kindergarten on, so she tends to say things without knowing what ‘alternate meaning’ there might be. She just got a laptop and we are talking about it. Due to our religious upbringing neither of us cuss, but I went through public school so am more likely to catch innuendos.)

Friend: “Yeah, so if you press the ‘effin’ key.”

(I look over and see her pointing to the ‘Function’ key, labeled FN.)

Me: “Oh, the function key.”

Friend: “Yeah, the ‘effin’ key.

Me: “Please… please call it the function key. The ‘effin’ key just sounds… weird.”

(My cousin, who was born in England but raised in the United States, is in the process of filling out college applications. Since there is a major university in our city, and I am a recent graduate of that university, he asks me to take him to campus so he can apply in person.)

Cousin: “Hi. I’d like to apply for admissions.”

Secretary: “Okay, hun. Here’s the packet you’ll need to fill out. You can use that table over there, and bring it back up whenever you are done.”

(My cousin fills out the application, with me helping. When he’s done, he returns it to the secretary who takes it. She says someone will be in touch, and we turn to leave. However, just before we get out the door, she stops us.)

Secretary: “Oh, hold on! There’s a problem here, hun!”

Cousin: “Is there? Did I forget a section, or something?”

Secretary: “No, that’s not it. It’s that you have your place of birth listed as Manchester, England.”

Cousin: “Yes, that’s correct. I was born in England, but raised in the US. I’m a citizen, if that’s the problem. I have my social security card if you need to see it.”

Secretary: “No, dear, that’s not the problem. I believe you are a citizen. It’s that all foreign-born applicants must take an English-language proficiency test. We don’t want you to get behind in class because you can’t understand what’s going on.”

Cousin: “Umm… but, I was born in England and raised in the US. I ONLY speak English.”

Secretary: “I’m sorry, but only applicants who were born in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, Australia, and New Zealand are exempt from the test.”

Cousin: “Oh, okay. That makes sense. I was born in the UK.”

Secretary: “No, dear, you said you were born in England, not the UK.”

Cousin:  “But, England is a PART of the UK.”

Secretary: “Dear, we don’t like dishonest applicants. If you were born in the UK you would not have listed ‘England’ as your country of birth.”

Cousin: “Okay. I see the confusion. British politics is a bit weird. But, England is a part of the UK. The full name is ‘The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.'”

Secretary: “Dear, I’m not stupid. I know that. You said you were from England, not Great Britain or Northern Ireland.”

Cousin: “Ma’am, with all due respect, England is a PART of Great Britain which is, in turn, a PART of the United Kingdom.”

Secretary: “You’ll still need the test to prove you can understand English well enough to be a student here.”

Cousin: “I need a TEST to prove that I speak and understand English, the language I am speaking to you now, even though I come from the country the language is NAMED after?!”

(At this point, I can see my cousin is about to scream or cry in frustration. I step in.)

Me: “Ma’am, could you please get your supervisor?”

Secretary: “I don’t see why that’s necessary.”

Me: “Please, get your supervisor for me.”

(She storms off for about five minutes. From the back we here ‘IT IS NOT!’ followed by ‘ARE YOU SURE IT IS?’ Then, a different woman approaches us.)

Supervisor: “Don’t worry. Everything is taken care of. You won’t be needing the English-language proficiency test, and I’ll be sure to educate my staff better on the UK. Have a good day!”

(Lectures held in big halls are usually recorded through the portable microphone that the professors can attach to their clothes. Therefore, for the lecture to be recorded properly, the microphone has to be worn and turned on. On this particular day, the professor is wearing the microphone but is having trouble turning it on.)

Professor: “Is it on yet? No? Well, can you hear me?”

Class: *scattered answers*

Professor: “Well, regardless, we can’t do anything about that. Too bad for those guys who decided to skip today and listen to recorded lectures later. Boy, are they missing out. That’s why you should always come to lectures! Even when they’re recorded! Things like these can happen at any time! Well, anyway, let us begin!”

(After a few minutes well into the lecture, the microphone finally comes on.)

Professor: “Ah—” *pauses when his voice is suddenly amplified* “And that, my friends, is the meaning of life. Oh, boy! Those guys who decided to not to come to class today? They really missed out, didn’t they! That’s why you have to come to class every day. Something like could happen again and you could be missing out on something amazing! Now, back to the lecture.”

(I’m a TA for a 220 student psychology class. It is after midterms and I’ve had students coming into my office all week to contest grades. I try to be sympathetic, but as the test was pure multiple choice, my hands are tied. One student, however, tries a different approach.)

Student: “This is the wrong answer.”

Me: “I know. That’s why you didn’t get any points for it.”

Student: “No, it said I picked ‘B.’ I picked ‘A.'”

Me: “No, you didn’t.”

Student: “Yes, I did.”

(This continues until I take out the student’s test and show her she actually put the incorrect answer.)

Student: “Well, I know I definitely put ‘A.'”

Me: “I’ve showed you the test. What more do you want?”

Student: “Someone changed my answer.”

Me: “The only person who has had access to these tests has been me.”

Student: “Well…”

Me: “Are you saying out of a class of 220, I picked your test specifically, and changed that one specific answer to annoy you?”

(The student behaved after that.)