Never Talk To Strangers, Or Stranger Aunties

My aunt is a conspiracy nutjob. She is in deep, and every time I see her it gets worse. I can’t even have a conversation with her anymore; I say anything that goes even slightly against what she “knows” to be fact and she loses it. Any evidence she has is a dubious video or has been hidden by the shadow people, or whatever she believes in this week.

I’ve tried to be tolerant, tried to be understanding, tried to agree to disagree, but it’s the only thing she talks about. Anyone with a different worldview is a sheep and an idiot. I don’t need to be called an idiot in my own home.

I’ve distanced myself completely, making sure I’m not around when she visits. It’s actually worked out well. I’m more social and have more hobbies.

This weekend, I’ve volunteered to help a friend run a cake stand for her church. It’s a double bonus: free cake, and my aunt hates all religion, so there’s no chance she will bother me… or so I think.

About an hour in, I see her sneering her way through the crowd and toward me.

Aunt: “Your mother said to come home immediately.”

Me: “And did she say why?”

Aunt: “You’re distracting yourself being here, dealing with these…” *waves her hand around* “…people.”

Me: “Okay. She didn’t say anything of the sort, did she?! I think I’ll stay.”

Aunt: *Scoffs* “And what are you lacing these with, then?”

And there she goes — more paranoid conspiracy nonsense. I cringe with every fibre of my body.

Me: “Those are lemon, I think, Auntie.”

Aunt: “Yeah, lemon drugs! You know the church is renowned for drugging people. It’s how they get their money!”

Me: “You are embarrassing yourself. Go home.”

Aunt: “How dare you?! You little s***. You go home.”

I crossed my arms and refused to engage her. This only mader her angrier. She screamed, shouted, and tried to tip the table, which didn’t work, before storming off.

After the sale wound down, I went home reluctantly. I planned to grab some things and go, but to my surprise, Auntie wasn’t there. It turned out she went back and admitted what she had done, and my mum kicked her out and told her not to come back.

We haven’t seen her for five years now and all have been happier for it.