Never Park In This Guy’s Lot

(I work for a very reputable collections agency that has strict policies in regards to collector threats and conduct. This guy sounds identical to the parking lot attendant in the “Seinfeld” episode where Kramer and George park their cars only to find prostitutes are turning tricks in them. This is an exact transcript of the recorded conversation:)

Me: “Just a followup. Did you manage to get your account paid? I never received a return call from you with your receipt number from the client.”

Guy: “Of course I paid it. I said I would. I am good for it.”

Me: “Great. What’s the receipt number?”

Guy: “What receipt number?”

Me: “The receipt number written on your receipt from the client. You paid at the client as instructed? I just need that number and will have that confirmed by them. They take a while to report payments to us, so I send them a spreadsheet to speed up the process.”

Guy: “I do a lot of things. Why do you need that? Just ask them.”

Me: “But I’ve got you on the phone now and I cannot contact the client for every inquiry without that information from you. What location and when did you pay it?”

Guy: “I told you I paid it, so I paid it. Are you threatening me?”

Me: “Sir, nothing I’ve said would be interpreted as a threat.”

Guy: “You are threatening that I’m a liar.”

Me: “That would be ‘accusing,’ and at this point, I’m not accusing you of anything, except withholding the information that you say that you have.”

Guy: “Don’t worry. I will pay it. I have to go.”

Me: “Excuse me? What do you mean, ‘I will pay it.’? You said you paid it.”

Guy: “I did pay it. I will take care of it tomorrow.”

Me: “So, you didn’t pay it, like you said, but you are paying it tomorrow?”

Guy: “What does it matter? When I say I will pay it, I will pay it. Why are you harassing me about it?”

Me: “Did you or did you not pay this bill?”

Guy: “Are you threatening that I’m a liar?”

Me: *repeated* “Did you or did you not pay this bill?”

Guy: “I might have. I don’t remember. I will take care of it. Don’t worry. If not tomorrow, next week. Call me in a couple of weeks.”

Me: “It doesn’t work like that.”

Guy: “I don’t buy it.”

Me: “When I spoke to you three days ago, you said you were going to pay your bill on that day and that you would call me back. You assured me you would.”

Guy: “Never. I never said that. You are the liar!”

Me: “I have the recorded call right here.”

Guy: “Sure, I said it, but people say things. I was busy. What do you want?”

Me: “I am calling you, actually, as a courtesy because this account will be affecting your credit in two days and I would hate to see your credit affected for such a small amount.”

Guy: “You think money is the problem? Let me tell you something; I make a lot of money. I make more money than you ever made. What do you think about that?”

Me: “That’s impressive. So, what’s the problem with paying this bill?”

Guy: “I just don’t have the cash. Not everyone has money all the time. How much money do you have on you right now? In your pockets?”

Me: “Nothing. I use—”

(He cuts me off; I was going to say that I use my debit card.)

Guy: “See? Why don’t you pay my bill, Mr. Rich?”

Me: “What?”

Guy: “You have all the money in the world and you bug me about it.”

Me: “I don’t understand. You just told me that you make more money than I’ve ever made.”

Guy: “You bet. But right now cash is a problem.” 

Me: “It’s under $200. Are you going to pay this bill or not?”

Guy: “I told you I paid it when I say I will pay it. Today, last week, or never. Take your pick.”

Me: “Okay, I’m done. Have a nice day.”

Guy: “You too, Mr. Rich Millionaire.”