Never Too Late To Dump Him

(My boyfriend is ALWAYS late. Always. At least ten minutes, sometimes fifteen or twenty. I’m the kind of person who’s always ten minutes early. This means I am always waiting at least twenty minutes for him, every single time. I used to have a problem with being late, years before, so I try to talk to him about tricks and coping. Cue the day he is going to meet my parents. I am SUPER nervous. I absolutely need him to be on time for this.)

Me: “So, you know how you’re always at least ten minutes late?”

Boyfriend: *laughs* “Yeah.”

Me: “We absolutely cannot miss the train when we’re going to meet my parents. So, I want you to pretend the train is leaving ten minutes earlier than it actually is, so you’ll be on time. And then, I want you to be early for that.”

Boyfriend: “Sure.”

Me: “So, we’ll treat it like a date; we’ll be 20 minutes early, have some fun at the train station, then catch the train.”

Boyfriend: “Okay.”

Me: *sigh of relief*

(On the day of our trip, I’m almost half an hour early for the train. Waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Ten minutes before the train leaves, I start texting and calling. No answer. No boyfriend. I am freaking out. Two minutes before the train leaves, he comes running.)

Me: “Where were you? Why didn’t you answer?”

Boyfriend: “Hang on. I still have to buy a train ticket.”

(I am flabbergasted. Long story short: we miss the train. I am a silent ball of rage.)

Boyfriend: “If you had bought me a ticket, we wouldn’t have missed it.”

Me: “WHY WOULD I BUY YOU A TICKET?!”

Boyfriend: “Because you should’ve known I’d be late.”