Neighbors From Hell

(I am walking over to a friend’s house a few blocks away. It has recently snowed and there is a ton of ice on the front yard, which I inevitably slip on a few steps out the door. My arm feels like it sprained when it hit the ground.)

Me: “Argh! God, that hurts.”

(My neighbour, who I don’t know very well, looks at me from her yard in disbelief.)

Neighbour: “EXCUSE ME?! HOW DARE YOU USE THE LORD’S NAME IN VAIN!”

Me: “Oh, sorry if I offended you, ma’am.”

(As I get up from the ground, I am berated with threads of ‘hell’ and ‘punishment from the lord.’)

Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, I’m not religious, and these threats don’t really scare me.”

Neighbour: “We’ll see what you say when judgment day happens!”

(The next day, I see that, overnight, she put up tons of small silver crosses in the area where our yards meet (we don’t have fences separating houses here). I assumed she put them up in an effort to ‘keep away the ungodliness’ in me, and my suspicions were confirmed when I heard her talking to someone about ‘that evil, godless man next door.’)