Mystery Meat Burgers!

(I have a red meat intolerance, and because of this, I’ve been a vegetarian most of my life. I work at a store that also has a food court. All the food is cooked on site. While I normally work hard lines, which is anything that isn’t clothing, every once in a while they have me work the food court to cover a break. This isn’t usually an issue, as breaks are 15 minutes and I normally didn’t get any customers, but one day someone calls in sick and they decide to put me in the food court all day by myself. These are two of my interactions with customers that day.)

Customer #1: “Hi, can I have a ham sandwich?”

Me: *after looking in the fridge and finding two bags of unlabeled meat* “So… I have a pinkish-white meat and an off-white, grey meat. Which one do you think is the ham?”

(And the second interaction…)

Customer #2: “Can I get a hamburger?”

Me: “I will try my best.”

(I put the meat on the grill and watch it intently.)

Customer #2: “Is everything all right?”

Me: “Well, to be honest, this is the first hamburger I’ve ever cooked, and I’ve never had one before. So, this could be interesting. I’m aiming for better than [National Hamburger Chain] but not as good as [Local Hamburger Chain].”

(After I’m done, I hand it over and [Customer #2] makes a big show of inspecting it and then cuts it in half to look at the center. Finally, they take a bite and slowly chew, looking thoughtful.)

Customer #2: “Well, I would say this is equivalent to [slightly nicer National Hamburger Chain], so I think you hit your mark.”

(At the end of the day, as I’m clocking out and talking to a coworker:)

Coworker: “So, how did it go?”

Me: “I’m fairly sure I didn’t poison anyone. I was also able to figure out how to make a [Local Hamburger Chain] grilled cheese sandwich, animal style, so I will call it a win.”

(My manager also thought it was a win, because I ended up there as my regular position after that. On the plus side, I learned to tell turkey apart from ham.)