My Internet Has Gone All Adava Kedavra

(I recently moved across the country from California to New York. I’ve filed a move request with my ISP but don’t have an Internet connection when I arrive in my new apartment, so I call them up to try to resolve this. After giving them all my information, they explain the problem.)

Customer Service #1: “Okay, so I’m looking at your order here. I see that two weeks ago you opened a new account with us.”

Me: “Well, I moved. Does that count as a new account?”

Customer Service #1: “Well, you can process it like that, or just as a move. It’s up to you.”

Me: “I don’t care how it’s done; I just want to get online in my new apartment.”

Customer Service #1: “You should be online as of yesterday. Have you tried restarting your router?”

Me: “Yes, and my computer. There’s no connection.”

Customer Service #1: “Well, something MUST be wrong on your end, because I see here that we started Internet service at [California address] yesterday.”

Me: “No, that’s my OLD address. I don’t live there any more.”

Customer Service #1: “Uhh… hold on.”

Customer Service #2: “Hello, my name is [Name]. Unfortunately, ma’am, we can’t turn your Internet service on at [California address] because you have yet to pass a credit check.”

Me: “Huh? I already passed that when I first got my connection, and I don’t live there anymore!”

Customer Service #2: “It doesn’t matter if you don’t live there. You still need to pass the check.”

Me: “I’m trying to add service at [New York address], not [California address].”

Customer Service #2: “Well, I’m afraid I can’t help you with that. Please hold.”

Customer Service #3: “Hi, my name is [Name]. I’m sorry, but I’m a bit confused. Why are you opening a second account if you already have an account?”

Me: “I’m not! I’m moving from [California address] to [New York address]. Something went wrong when I filed the move request.”

Customer Service #3: “Something sure DID go wrong! Okay, I’ve put an order in to move your old account to your new address. We have to deal with this new order someone put in place.”

Me: “Okay. Can we just cancel it?”

Customer Service #3: “Hmm… no, I can’t cancel it because the credit check is still pending. You know what though? I can resolve this.” *I hear her typing for a few seconds* “There we go. I can’t cancel it, but I’m allowed to update it. Let’s see if they pass a credit check for Mr. Lord Voldemort, with no social security number, at address #1 Please Cancel This Order Road.”

(My Internet turns on soon, and I don’t hear any more of the issue for a few days until I get a phone call asking me to rate my customer service interaction.)

Phone Robot: “Thank you for taking the time to fill out this survey. Please press ‘1’ if I am speaking to: LORD VOLDEMORT.”