My Father The Zero

(I only see my dad once a year, as he lives out of state. We are out to eat with my step-mom and her kids. We order food and everything turns out perfect. My dad is always trying to get a free meal. He is quite large and is a very scary looking man.)

Waiter: “How is everything?”

Dad: “Well, our food came too quick! We could not even enjoy ourselves, the grits didn’t taste like they normally do, and I’m sure my family had something wrong with their dishes, too.”

(Right on cue, the rest of my dad’s family started to make stuff up about what was wrong with their dishes.)

Dad: “[My Name], how was your food?”

Me: “It was perfect!”

(The waiter, who looks over-stressed, smiles at me in thanks.)

Waiter: “Well, I will call my manager over and tell him.”

(The manager comes back.)

Manager: “I am sorry, sir, I can only offer you 15% off of your order, as you have done this before.”

(My dad then starts slamming his fists on the table and screaming about how he was in the army and how he should get his meal free, then screams at the waiter and calls him names.)

Waiter: *starts crying*

Dad: “Oh, look at the cry baby! Be a real man!”

Me: “Dad, shut the h*** up! For one, you were not in the army, you were in the navy, which you got kicked out of! Plus you even said the food was great!”

(My dad got mad at me, but he bullied the manager into getting his meal for free. I gave the waiter a ten dollar tip to tell him I was sorry. I saw how much of a bully my dad really is, and now I barely talk to him.)