Mothering You About You Mothering

(My mother is very conservative and believes that premarital sex is wrong. I’m 13 years old.)

Mother: “What’s the matter with you?”

Me: “I don’t feel too well. I was sick earlier and…”

Mother: “Oh, my God, you’re not pregnant, are you?”

Me: “What? No! Are you expecting a virgin birth or what?”

(Fast forward to when I’m 16 or so…)

Me: “Do I have a temperature? I’m feeling really nauseous.”

Mother: “Oh, no! You’re not pregnant, are you?”

Me: “Mother, [Brother #1] and [Brother #2] had the exact same symptoms last week and I don’t hear you asking them if they’re pregnant.”

(This happens with increasingly annoying regularity, until I’m in my 30s and have been with the same guy for several years. We’re living together and I’m visiting my parents for the weekend.)

Mother: “What’s the matter with you? You normally love my [special dish she cooks for me].”

Me: “Yeah, I’m really sorry. It’s lovely but I’m feeling a bit under the weather and don’t want to rush it and make myself sick.”

Mother: “Have you been feeling sick a lot? In the …morning?”

Me: “Uh, are you asking if I’m pregnant AGAIN?”

Mother: “Well, I’m your mother. I worry about these things.”

Me: “For the love of… no, I’m not, but let me ask YOU a question. If you really were about to become a grandmother, is that how you’d want to find out? Or wouldn’t you prefer to let me announce the news and give you a nice surprise?”

(She never asked again!)