Mother Versus Nature

I am a zookeeper and am making my way from one enclosure to another. As I walk past the elephants, I see an angry-looking mother dragging her poor daughter behind her. She sees me, realizes I work here, and makes a beeline for me.

Mother: “You! How dare you?!”

Me: “How can I help you, ma’am?”

Mother: “Do you abuse your animals?!”

Me: “Not at all, ma’am! We here at [Zoo] are proud of the quality of care we provide all of our animals!”

Mother: “Then why do you let the elephants do that in front of the children?!”

She points furiously while blocking the view of her scared-looking daughter using her coat. I can see straight away what she’s referring to. One of our elephants is the alpha male of his family, and this afternoon he is particularly… aroused.

Me: “Well, ma’am. That’s nature. Nothing we can do about that.”

Mother: “It’s obscene! How can you let him parade… that… in front of children?!”

Me: “Ma’am, this may be a zoo but these are still wild animals, and they will do what animals do. If you’re not ready to have that discussion with your child then you definitely shouldn’t take her to see the Bonobos!”

Bonobos are a type of ape who… well… do it a lot!

Mother: “It should be your responsibility to ensure the zoo is a family-friendly place to take my child! I demand to speak to your manager!”

Yes, she went there. The manager!

Me: “Ma’am, the manager of this zoo has no more control over the elephant and his member than I do. What did you expect him to be able to do?!”

Mother: “Then your elephant is a pervert and needs to be locked away! You must have abused him to make him that way! I will be writing to the paper about this!”

And with that, she stormed off toward the exit, shielding her daughter from the dangers of nature the entire way. We never did see the massive exposé in the paper about how our zoo animals had healthy sex drives, but then again, we didn’t check the joke section.

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