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Mother Is Totally Nuts

, , , , , , | Related | May 30, 2019

(My path walking home from school takes me by a mini-mart. It isn’t unusual for me to run in and buy some candy. On this particular occasion, I’m getting a sour gummy candy and one chocolate bar that contains coconut. As soon as I walk through my door, my uncle asks me for help with his computer. I drop my backpack on a chair and leave my candies on the table. I don’t think much of it since I’m the only one who eats any of that stuff — more on this later. However, when I get back from helping my uncle, my chocolate bar is missing. Naturally, I blame my dad first.)

Me: “Dad, did you take my [chocolate bar]?”

Dad: “No. I hate coconut.”

Me: “I know, but I left it on the table and it’s missing.”

Dad: “What about [Uncle]?”

Me: “He was with me the whole time. He didn’t take it. Besides, he swore off chocolate years ago.”

Dad: “Don’t know what to tell you. Are you sure you didn’t drop it?”

(He stands goes to examine the area himself. I follow behind him.)

Me: “Positive. I even made sure to leave it close to the center of the table so [Dog] wouldn’t be able to get at it.”

(As we look around the table for it, we hear a loud stomping approaching. We look up to find my mother running past us towards the bathroom, covered in hives.)

Me: *to my Dad* “Was she really that stupid?”

Dad: “Hey, [Mother], did you eat any of [My Name]’s candy?”

Mother: “Yeah, I took the [chocolate bar]!”

Me: “You’re the one who told me those have coconut! You really ate something you know you’re allergic to?”

Mother: “I wanted chocolate!”

Me: “Then walk to [Mini-Mart] and buy something!”

Mother: “This was closer!”

Me: “It was also coconut! And mine! Paid for with my money from my job!”

Mother: “It was chocolate!”

(What she does know is that after that, I never left my candy in plain sight, even within my room, again since she obviously can’t take responsibility for her own safety. What she doesn’t know is that night I took the price of the bar out of her purse as compensation. I was tempted to take some extra for an idiot tax, but then I figured the replacement epi-pen would be sufficient for that.)

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