Moron Von Munchausen

(I have a coworker, Coworker #1, who constantly tries to one up illnesses that other coworkers suffer from. It’s really immature and it annoys a lot of us. This takes place after another coworker, Coworker #2, has just returned to us after having a rather severe lupus flare up.)

Me: “How are you feeling?”

Coworker #2: “Oh, much better now. It’s my own fault, I ignored the warning signs.”

Me: “You just work too hard.”

Coworker #1: “Well, I have drug-induced Lupus. I’m sure that’s way worse than what you have!”

Me: “Actually, it’s—”

Coworker #2: “Oh my God, you do?! Have you started making arrangements? I mean that’s the worst one you can possibly have! How much time do you have left?!”

Coworker #1: “What?! When I looked it up online it didn’t say—”

Me: “Oh, so you don’t actually have it. You looked it up.”

Coworker #1: “No what I meant was—”

Me: “You are so pathetic.”

Coworker #2: “Drug-induced lupus usually goes away if you stop taking the drug, you moron. If you’re going to try and one up a disease, which is really offensive of you, you could at least use half that peanut sized brain of yours.”

Coworker #1: “Why did you tell me it was serious, then?!”

Coworker #2: “Why did you fake having it?”

(Coworker #1 looks really baffled for a moment, then gets embarrassed and slinks away.)

Me: “You know, he does that all the time. If someone has the flu, he has the swine flu. If you had your appendix taken out, he had his appendix and spleen taken out. It’s really, really, stupid.”

Coworker #1: “Yup, unfortunately, you can’t fix stupid…”

(Our manager overheard him later bad-mouthing my coworker and accusing her of faking it. He was fired two days later when that got back to the owner!)