Monstrous Behavior Calls For Monstrous Treatment

, , , , , , | Right | January 9, 2020

(I have just gotten off my fourth 12-hour shift working for a game at a convention where I dress in a rubber monster suit and let players dressed as space marines shoot me with pellet guns. I am tired and sore as I slump into a booth next to a table of cosplayers dressed as characters from a webcomic)

Waitress: *with a strong southern accent* “You look tired, hon. What’ll you have?”

Me: “A peanut butter milkshake and the largest burger you have.”

(The milkshake comes, and I lose myself in a book I picked up on my lunch break. About fifteen minutes later, I’ve finished the drink but the burger still hasn’t come. I don’t care, because I’m getting to sit down.)

Waitress: “Sorry it’s taking so long.”

Me: “That’s fine; it’s busy with the convention. If you don’t mind me here, I don’t mind the wait.”

Waitress: “Let me get you some water, baby.”

Cosplayer: “What’s a water baby? She talks funny.”

(I rise up to my full 6’3” height and use my best monster voice)

Me: “I am tired. I am hungry. I just spent four days letting random people shoot at me. This woman is being a polite, excellent waitress, despite me having to wait so long for my food. Keep it up, and I’ll solve the problem by cooking and eating you.”

(The table suddenly find their sodas fascinating, and they leave soon after but don’t make another peep until then. My food comes, and then…)

Me: “I’m ready for the check when you have a minute.”

Waitress: “Oh, no, sweetie, someone as nice as you shouldn’t have had to wait so long for their food. You’re comped.”

Me: “Wait, no check? I was going to tip on my debit card. I only have two dollars cash on me, and you deserve much more. You’ve been amazing.”

(She took it and told me not to worry about it. Waitstaff who put up with large crowds of geeks so kindly deserve all the love in the world!)


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