Monster Mother

(I am visiting my mom in Los Angeles. We are near the Hollywood Walk of Fame by the Chinese Theater, walking to get back to her apartment. Despite the area’s reputation as a major tourist attraction, it can be quite… seedy. While I am waiting for the light to change to cross the street, a clearly homeless and mentally ill man wearing no shirt runs across the street, sits behind me, and starts taking his pants off while mumbling to himself. I resolutely stare at the walk signal waiting for it to change so I can get away from him. After a bit I don’t hear him mumbling anymore.)

Me: *to Mom* “Is he still there?”

Mom: “No, I think he’s gone. I would have pushed him in front of a car before he could do anything to you anyway.”

Me: “In front of a car?”

Mom: “What? I’m clumsy; I could make it look like an accident!”