Modern Problems Require Disgusting Solutions

I answer my phone.

Scammer: “I’m calling from tech support. Your computer has a virus.”

Oh, good lord. One of these.

Me: “Which one?”

Scammer: “Your computer, ma’am.”

Me: “I have more than one. Specify.”

Scammer: “The one that you are using, ma’am.”

I decide to have a little fun.

Me: “I am not using any computer right now. I’m in the kitchen making Roadkill cookies.”

The scammer ignores that.

Scammer: “Please go to your computer so that we can remove the virus, ma’am.”

Me: “Certainly, as soon as you tell me which computer you mean.”

Scammer: “Your computer, ma’am. You have a very dangerous virus and we need to act quickly.”

I tap a timer so that it makes an audible beep.

Me: “Sorry, you’re going to have to wait. My skunk-chunk-late chip cookies are ready.”

I put the phone down, ignoring the scammer’s protests, and rattle around a bit so it sounds like I’m working with cookie trays before picking up again.

Me: “Okay. Now you say my computer has a virus?”

Scammer: *Frustrated* “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, well, you still haven’t told me which computer has the virus.”

Scammer: “Your newest one, ma’am.”

Me: “Neither of my computers is new.”

Scammer: “Both of them!”

I’m very amused, but now I need to start household chores, so I decide to drop it.

Me: “Well now, it sounds like your story has changed. First, you tell me one of my computers has a virus, now you’re telling me both of them do, and you still haven’t told me which one had it to begin with. I think maybe you need a new career, like roadkill cookie baking.”

I then hung up. I haven’t had a call for months.